Hey everyone. So I been struggling through life for a while and my depression is taking me down into a dark hole of emptiness. So I keep having flight of ideas where I am like I wanna do this and then be I am like second guess myself and no one really understands what I am going through. Especially my Mom I know she means will but she just doesn't get it. I keep thinking I want to foster kids which I don't know if I have mentioned that here before or not but its always been something I wanted to do and to adopt a child and now not being able to have kids I feel its even more what I am supposed to do. Will today I thought maybe I should go back to school and get my GED because something that most don't know about me is the last grade I finished was 8th grade because my anxiety and depression and the fact I was being abused and couldn't handle it all I also didn't pay attention in 8th grade so don't recall what I was taught that year. So I am feeling more like a loser then ever before. I keep wanting to finish school and go to college and be a nurse or a medical assistant and help people or be a caregiver. I mean I know I take care of my mom and take care of my husband but its not enough I need something more to do. The last time I seen my doctor I had gained about 20 pounds on top of me already being overweight and I am just feeling like I am not good enough or ever going to get any where in life and that I am going to be a burden to everyone around me. I mean my husband has been being extra amazing and telling me he loves me and just giving me the extra support I need. It helps very little tho but I appreciate that he is doing that for me. But its really hard when he tells me its hard for him to watch me struggle and to be so down and in pain and he can't help. Its really hard for me to hear that. I mean I don't even leave the house except to go food shopping. I been getting dressed and trying to feel better its not helping. I am starting to try exercising as well. But its extra hard when you can't leave the house. The last time I left to do something other then to shop was to go to dinner with my husband and we had to go someplace else because the original restaurant would have had us waiting 10 minutes and I could stand to be standing there in the way waiting for a table. I don't even know how I got here or how I became this person who is so insecure and just doesn't know how to function. I also haven't been able to see my best friend because I don't have our car because it won't start right and I mean I could probably figure it out if my husband can but I think driving is becoming hard for me. The older I am getting the more things are manifesting themselves. I am cry a lot a night when my husband is sleeping next to me because I am embarrassed by who I am. I am embarrassed that I weigh so much and that I don't work and I rely on my husband to make the money for us. I feel embarrassed that I am me and that I didn't stop the abuse and allowed my abuser to rape me and molest me from age 3 to 21. I am embarrassed this is my life and that I can't change it. I am embarrassed I let him back in my life so many times to just do the same thing. I am embarrassed that I am 26 and still have nothing to show for my life. I am embarrassed that I am a bad friend and that my best friend deserves someone better in her life to be there. I am embarrassed about all I put my husband through and the fact that he deserves better. I am embarrassed that I have had to tell my mom all of this stuff and that she feels terrible because she couldn't tell it was happening even though she went through the same thing. I am embarrassed I have scars on my legs and arms from cutting myself. I am just embarrassed that I have allowed this to be my life and that I have mental health problems. I just want to be normal and function normal and be able to just be loved and loved. I know I am but I can't feel it and its terribly hard for me. So that is all for now. If you can relate maybe drop a comment below. Would love to have comments from readers. Thanks for your time sorry for the length. Have a good day!
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |