Yesterday I came and I wrote kinda about what was going on with me and I am going to so that again because I realized why I been having a hard time with things and it's because the holidays are right around the corner and I am missing my dad who passed away in 2011 so the holidays are always hard for me. I don't know if I have talked about my relationship with my dad before or not but to say the least it wasn't a very good one. So why do I miss him you might ask. While for one he is my dad and for two even though he was crappy to me most of the time I like to focus on when he wasn't which is very few times. I just wish my life was different and my relationships with certain people like my brothers and sisters and of course my dad were different. I of course can't do that because others are unwilling on their ends to do their parts. I just really miss my dad is all and death is something that I fear but at the same time crave because I am crazy if you haven't noticed yet. Some might wonder how someone can fear something but crave it at the same time especially something like death will most people fear death because of the unknown or the final ness of death. I fear it for the unknown of if my pain will stop when my heart and brain stops. I don't know the answer because I have never died before or met someone who has. I also guess I miss my dad because my mom is aging and I fear for when she is gone because she is the only family I am close to. Once she is gone I don't have others who would be there for me in my family I have great friends that would be and my husband but not blood family which makes me sad that if my mom was gone I would feel more lost then I do right now in life. I know I have talked about my mom before and how great she is but I feel the need to say it again because she is really great and she just loves me despite all the headache and she doesn't have to love me which is something I have grown to realize is that our parents don't have to love us they chose to like other people chose to love us whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife or friend they make the choice to have you in their lives and to love you no matter what. I have some amazing friends like that. One who I have known since middle school and this chick has had my back and I have had hers throw all we have been thru we are even closer and we have lost contact a few times but always came together again like nothing happened. She is probably the only person on this planet who can actually say she knows what I am going thru or she understands or that she even knows me better then I know myself and I can actually believe her. I don't think anyone will ever have me as figured out as she does. I really couldn't imagine life without her. I use to watch movies and there would be these people who had these lifelong girlfriends and I would always wish I had that till it dawned on me that I did have that. I was one of the lucky few to have a friend who has been there by my side even when I messed up. She is a very kick ass person. I can only hope my readers have someone like her in their lives. Sorry for being all over the place in this post. I will probably be making more entries since I gotta new phone and it lets me do my post right from it so I can post more without the hassle of getting on the computer. Will that is it for now thanks for reading my craziness. :)
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So haven't posted here in some time I been busy and sick. I was sick for a few days and couldn't do a damn thing in that time. Now I feel better but my depression is getting me. I been trying to act happy and like life is okay and fine but it's not. I just wanna be happy and leave this stupid sorrow behind. I talked to my older sister today and she thinks for some reason I have anger toward the person who hurt me and I can honestly say I don't have anger toward him. I just feel more scared of him and supposedly this person is moving to New York soon so apparently some people think my life should all of a sudden be all better after that happens. Now we all know that PTSD and mental health issues don't just resolve like that but I have people who have that in their minds. I can only hope that after he moves maybe I can feel a little more at ease but I won't get my hopes up that's for sure. I just wanna find a happy spot inside myself and just actually be truly happy but I don't think that people like me who have the issues and trauma I have will ever experience that. I know for me everything is either just okay or good for a moment then I am feeling like my world is falling to pieces right before my eyes. Will I am feeling that way now like my world is falling apart all at once. Not even sure why I feel those at maybe because my birthday is coming and just everything is either the same or not where I hoped it would be by this time in my life. I know life never turns out as we hope but things are just getting to me lately. I also not to long ago was falling apart when seeing my counselors and they wanted me to do a day mental health thing as an alternative to going to the hospital and I didn't want to and now I am worried that since I been kinda turning down the help for intensive treatment I might lose my chance of getting my social security. Sorry I am only using this as my diary this time but I needed to get some stuff off my chest because things are just so frustrating. Maybe others can relate if so your alone and life will get better at least that's what I keep telling myself even if I don't believe it right now it might be true sooner or later. If you read this thank you for listening!
So I find myself feeling bad about not writing anything recently. I just been so depressed and suicide has been on my mind a lot lately. Its been so bad I been skipping my appointments with my counselors and group. I also just haven't wanted to go any place and now my little brother who is about to be 21 is thinking of suicide and thinks no one cares about him. I wish I could reach him and tell him that people do care and even though when we are in that mind set of wanting to end our lives we don't see that people care we only see what we want which is that we are a burden to those around us and no one cares. But I am here to tell you that it is not true and if your still alive it must be for a reason you have to have some kind of will to live or you would have done away with yourself long ago. That is something I try to tell myself when I get in that mind set and everyday seems to be that I wake up thinking about suicide and go to sleep thinking about it. I don't know how to reach him and I know when my Dad died someone I wasn't super close to it changed me in a way that I will never understand and now if I lost him I don't know what I will do. Its terrible to be worried about someone who is thinking of suicide when you are thinking of the same thing. Even my drug counselor noticed when I went to see her that things were off with me. But no one seems to understand that I am really never okay and I just try to act like I am so people don't worry about me. I hate when people worry and something kinda important my counselor told me was that its okay to ask for help and let people help you. This is a concept I struggle with on the daily because I have always had to rely on one person me. So why now would I rely on another? This is my thinking and by no means do I want others to think this way because it gets quite lonely. My whole point of this is that suicide ends the chances of life ever getting better and that it hurts those around you as well as that it is okay to ask for help even if you don't believe you should it might be the best thing you ever did. I also want everyone to know that suicide affects everyone around you so that is something else I think of when I am thinking of giving up on life. I know that your all thinking I am a hypocrite since I think about it a lot and yet I am asking you to please don't do it. You may never know who is in your corner and who really loves you and what you might miss out on in life if you take your own life. No one deserves to have a crappy life but the best people have the shittiest lives and some of them seem to keep on living to the end and some of them just give up please try to keep living till you are old or till its truly your time. Life might just be getting ready to give you something beautiful or you might just be a few months away from something life changing but if you end your life you will never get to see if there was something more that was going to be better then what you been going through. Just try to remember that people care and love you! :) Your a beautiful person and the more crap you go through the more beautiful and understanding you become. So hope this puts a new perspective for people thinking of suicide because I always have to remind myself of these things. Find something to remind your self of as to why you have gone on this long it can be the smallest thing in the world to the biggest just try to reach deep and give your self a few days and see if the feeling passes if not thinking of getting help either before those few days are up or after just don't give up.
I know I haven't written anything for quite a while because I been super busy and super depressed and I seen the person who caused my trauma last week so you can probably imagine how that can just mess you up for a few days. I just haven't really had much to say or anything. I been super depressed and super paranoid. Just life has me down and I don't know how to get back up and fight anymore. Its getting super hard to find reasons and also to have hope in my life when I can't seem to get back up without getting knocked back down I am sure I am not the only one feeling this way but it sucks and if you have felt this way then you certainly know what I am talking about it just takes everything out of you and you just feel so lost and don't know where to turn to. That is were I am right now in my life and I just don't know how to find a way to stop feeling this way. I do everything I am suppose to and I change my mindset to positive but then it all just falls apart again. How do I get thru this? I don't even know anymore. Life has taken its toll and has me down so far on the ground I want to give up. I have been thinking about it to and how I would and I know that is so bad I should be going to a hospital for help but I feel there is no reason to until I act on it now maybe that makes me stupid but that is just how I am. I wanna be positive. I wanna be happy. I want to be one of those people who feel like there life has meaning but I can't seem to find it. I wanna fall apart but I feel like I am unworthy of crying and letting out those bad emotions that I have inside. I feel like if I do cry then there is shame in it and there shouldn't be but there is for me. Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like people just look at my blog but don't read it because they don't comment so if you read this let me know leave me a comment and leave it short like read or something just so I know I am not just wasting my time writing this and still not really reaching those I want to reach. I wanna be able to give people hope because there is others like them. I go to group and while it seems like there is people there who can relate they can't fully relate they have a voice something I don't have. They made us do this thing were we had to look each other in the eyes. This is something I struggle with and one of the ladies said that you know looking people in the eyes is showing you feel worthy of them and worthy to look them in the eyes and its a self respect thing not just a respect thing for them. Will that empowered me for a while I feel unworthy so how do I look people in their eyes if I feel not worthy? Do you look people in there eyes or do you struggle with that too? Now some of you may think I am a liar since I won't look people in the eyes but that has nothing to do with it I am so honest and I don't lie but I believe that eyes are the windows to peoples souls and I sure don't want people looking at my soul. I don't want them hurt. Hope that made sense. Will I guess this is all for now. Hope people are reading m
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |