Hey readers I know my last post probably made some people wonder if I would be back to write anymore. Will I am here. I can't say I am feeling better because I really am not. I am trying to feel better and get in a better mind set. Luckily I have my husband who loves me so much and was able to deal with me when I was being ridiculous about something that was going on. I also have my awesome mom who I was able to let in on what was going on without being judged for it. I felt so stupid over it but I am so fragile all the time that little things really mess me up. I also have my best friend who tried to reach out but I pushed away because I was and am embarrassed about why I was so incredibly upset. I just am trying to get into a new head space of positive thoughts and believing what I am told rather then feeling like everyone is out to fuck me over basically. I am just so thankful when my husband told me he isn't leaving me he means it. I mean if I were him I don't know if I would have stuck around to deal with me. I mean when I was going through it I was not even wanting to be me but I couldn't stop the thoughts and everything else. I just really want to be in a good place and feel happy and be okay. My husband makes me the most happy and I have peaks of happiness but I just want to be more okay then not okay I am sure you can relate to it. Being in a state of being scared really doesn't help. I am thinking and hoping maybe next year I can start volunteering at the humane society or the school system I really want to get to a place of okay. I am also hoping a little after I am 30 of maybe fostering a child who has had a rough go of it and just needs to know that there is hope and people do care and help them. So more then likely if I do that it will be a teenager because most people don't want to foster older kids and I have had family in the system and I had always wished I was older to take them in and help them rather then them go in the system. I just need purpose in life and a way to feel needed and like I am doing good for the world. I want to be that bright spot and really change a life or a few if I can. Everyone needs to know this world isn't as ugly as it seems to be. I really hope those who read my blog find some comfort in knowing they aren't alone and that there is going to be hard times and there will be good times and okay times we can make it through it all though. We are warriors and we may not all wear our scars on the outside or let people in on us having those scars but we are still going and still making it even if we are just surviving we are still warriors because it takes a lot of bravery to keep going when you want to give up and give in to your emotions. I know how hard it is to make yourself wait to see if it can get better and I know how it is to say fuck it and try and take my own life but I also have seen the worry it causes and the stress of those I love. Nothing in life should be so bad we feel there is no more hope in life but you know we have times when we feel that way but we have to keep in mind we kept going before when we felt this way and we have made it this far no matter how young or old you are you have made it this far in life and that is a accomplishment you should be proud of because its not easy at all. Be brave today and try to smile, try to think positive, try to show the real you to someone you trust if you haven't yet. Just know you are worth while, you are important, you are beautiful and you mean everything to someone in this world even if you don't know it or they don't express it. Stay safe and I will try to come back and write before thanksgiving.
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I know its been a while since I last came and wrote anything its because I been busy. I was taking class through something called ADAPT to try and fix myself but I am just not able to be fixed. I am in the worst spot I have ever been in with my depression. I want to cry constantly and I just want to give up living. I am paranoid that my husband is going to leave and that no one cares. I don't leave the house but to take him to and from work because of his narcolepsy. I know I am to much for everyone around me including those who don't know me. I just want to be better and feel better but I keep just feeling worse and worse about everything. I feel super alone and like I can't keep going on like this. Life is just really bad and I don't know if I want to keep trying to make it work. I mean I feel like I am being lied to and that my feelings don't matter but I guess I brought that on myself. I just am undeserving in this life. It all just doesn't matter anymore. I am thinking of going to the hospital but I honestly feel like I can't because my mom needs me. I mean my husband can take himself and I just might start making him take himself to work so I don't have to anymore because I just feel so done with it all. I just can't be me and I don't want to be me and in the end life will never be how I wanted. I am not having kids and I feel like I might as well take care of my mom till she passes and then just be done with it all because what is the point in life whats the point in trying when everything keeps getting fucked up for you and the one person who you thought loved you in a special way doesn't. How many other girls did he call the same names he calls me? I don't even want to think about it. Its more then the stuff with him though. Its my mind constantly fucking me over and basically telling me I am a worthless pile of shit and the words that were said as I grew up are echoed that I didn't have feelings, I don't matter, I am a liar, I am a whore, I will never amount to anything and no one will ever love me. Will I believe each and everyone of those words because they ring true. I am a constant mess with a mess of a mind. I haven't drank for a while and guess what I want to drown in a bottle of vodka, rum and anything else I can get my hands on but I can't because I make bad decisions when I drink will guess what I make bad decisions even when I don't drink. I also recently realized I am not good at anything in life. I am mediocre when it comes to everything in this world and who the hell wants to be mediocre in life. I just don't know how long I will stick around to see how life plays out. I want to use so badly lately too. I just am in such a low spot that I just don't care who I hurt because guess what everyone else will hurt you given the chance and they won't be sorry because they feel like its okay and that because you are the weak one you won't do anything but just take it. Will guess what I won't and I don't have to and I don't deserve the misery but then again I do deserve it because I brought it upon myself. I also bring it on myself. I am just a nothing. A body without a soul. I just wanted happiness but all I got was shit constant shit with no reward when I do good. I can spend all my life trying to make my life better but guess what it won't happen. This is my reality most days. I am know I shouldn't share this but it needs to be seen that shit is shit even if I try to make it butterflies. I am so destroyed I can't allow people to love me even if they do. I could never believe it because to me its all just beautiful lies sealed with a smile or a kiss. I am done. This world is fucked up and so am I. Nothing can be fixed or made better. Shit was so much better before in the 50's will look at the world now and how its progressing into being worse and worse. Things can wear a disguise that its better but its not. Just like the mentally ill can wear a mask and pretend but guess what you are always going to be ill. You can pretend you aren't your illness but you are we all are. We maybe better for a second but guess what that will soon disappear and we are back in that ugly dark spot that consumes you. We can act like it will get better but guess what it won't it will never be better and we will never be cured. This world is the most cruelest it has ever been but it really hasn't all the ugly is coming to light rather then being hidden. I won't hide anymore either my dark needs to come out. Me being so fucked up needs to be seen. I am not well and I never will be. I can try all I want to learn the skills to make it better but no skill can cure it so what is the point there isn't one there is no point anymore not anymore. I just might have to go to the hospital and I hope that if anyone feels this way they do go this is not a place to stay in and wait its not good its scary and deadly and I know that even in this state been here enough to know that but I just don't know if I care enough about myself anymore.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |