I know its been a while since I have came and written anything. I have been super busy with taking my mom to appointments and making sure she is doing what she needs to be doing in order to recover from her open heart surgery. I also have been suffer with some serious deep depression for quite some time now. So I haven't been feeling in the mood to come and write about whats going on with me. Especially since I been talking to my siblings and am trying to build new relationships with them. One reason I wanted to come and write on here is because I got my letter from Social Security for me to see a judge at the end of October now I know this should be great news but it really couldn't have come at a worse time. Especially since next month and its my oldest sister's birthday my sister/best friend is getting married and then my birthday is not long after and I am going to be 25 which for some reason is stressing me out but anyway then my mom goes for another surgery this time on her neck. As far as next month is concerned its my husband and I's wedding anniversary of 3 years and then later I see the judge. It is like way to much going on in such a short time. Also my counselor might end up screwing me for my social security because she says I am unwilling to do what she suggests even though I do try what she says but if it doesn't work after a while I am not going to keep trying it to never see a improvement. I don't know if I am the only one who feels this way or not about stuff but I want to actually get better not stay the same and I believe I have mentioned this before that I wish I had a counselor who has been through stuff instead of someone who just reads it in books or seen it second hand. Another thing that has me totally stressing is that my older brother who I am only talking to because of all the stuff going on with my mom and it makes her happy to think I can get along with my siblings while anyway he actually had the nerve to tell me he missed hanging out with me like we use to which I know what he meant but that and instead of causing a problem I just told him that can't happen and we can't be around each other he has hurt me to much as to make it sound like I didn't know what he meant by hang out. I just am happy I wasn't like while I should give him another chance to see if we can actually have a brother sister relationship but know that it can't be. No matter how much I want a relationship with my family just some people have proven to be unworthy of my presence. As horrible as that makes me sound I know that I am strong and I don't deserve to be a victim again and again. I have already been the victim way to much in my life and I am sick of it I am a survivor and while some days I hate my life and would love to end it in a instant I also know there is people who love me and need me here. One thing that is good though is that I am realizing I am worthy of being loved and what not. Even though I know that thought will pass its nice I have it right now. One other thing I wanted to share with everyone is that I been having really vivid nightmares and the other day I had one that had scared me so bad it woke me up and actually has traumatized me. I had a hard time getting more sleep that night because the image wouldn't go away. Have any of you ever experienced this? I also wake up feeling super tired or very confused as to where I am. Its really horrible. If you can relate leave me a comment below and let me know. Thank you for reading and sticking with me I appreciate it and all of you. You are all beautiful and loved and deserve love.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |