I know it keeps being a while in between me coming and writing on here. I just have way to much going on in my life to come and try and write even though I know now would be the perfect time to come and write because then you all can get a real aspect as to how my life is. So I am going to court this month for social security and let me tell you it is messing me up majorly. I feel so stressed out and overwhelmed that honestly its amazing I haven't had to go to the hospital. I been struggling with my self harming my legs look like a cat scratched me pretty deep a few times and it also looks like someone was leaving me a message. I hate the fact that I rely on self harm so much still. I guess I am trying to just deal with this add anxiety I am having. I have also noticed I am self destructing everything around me. I am self destructing my relationships and my body because its all to much and trying to function under so much stress is honestly to much to handle. I just celebrated my 3 year anniversary with my husband on the 7th but we didn't do much. I know he appreciates me and all but I feel so alone in this world. Like I am battling all of this stress and anxiety alone. I am just in such a bad place right now that functioning is super hard but I try to smile and laugh even though inside I am dying little by little. I really feel so worthless and like a bitch because I keep snapping at everyone because I am under so much stress and anxiety that everything everyone says to me is annoying. Yesterday I also drank coffee knowing it would only make the anxiety worse which yet again self destruction is my think lately. I just want to heighten the feelings I am feeling because maybe then they won't bug me so much but trust me it doesn't work that way. I feel extremely misunderstood and hated lately by the world. I know all these feelings I am having is a recipe for disaster but what can I do? I am so far gone that some days I wonder why I am still her. My life isn't even a life I am a living breathing wall basically that can talk and move. I honestly feel so alone in this world and like this is all so worthless like I am. I am also scared to die yet I wish I could welcome it with open arms and just let all of this pain melt away. I know that suicide isn't the answer and there is no guarantee the pain will stop but sometimes I just can't take much more of this pain and this never ending darkness. I would not want any of you believing that suicide is the answer because it never ever is. We must remember when we feel this way that while we maybe taking the pain away from us we are just putting it on to another person those who love us. We also have to remember when we end our lives we make it to where things can never ever get better. We know deep down it will get better eventually we just feel in the moment it won't no matter how long that darkness last just remember you are loved. I don't know who reads this and what not but remember I am always here for you. I love you and you are worth so much more then you will ever know. Your life will get better you just have to give it a chance and while you maybe be thinking this women is preaching something to me she can't even believe for herself but trust me when I say on good days I believe all of this and more. I know the darkness won't be here forever but I also know that right now it feels like it will and it feels like it has been here forever. Just those reading this promise me that if you are ever so depressed that life feels worthless and not worth it that you will get help and if you get turned away keep trying and keep fighting because your life makes this world a little more brighter you contribute to life even if you don't think you do. You are all beautiful people and life does get better I know don't know when but I am sure it does and I am sure it will and I just need to keep holding on even its a pinky hanging on. We are worthy and we are beautiful. Try to have a day or a good day if you can'f have a good day just have a day and be kind to yourself because its not good when we are so cruel to ourselves. If you ever need me go to the contact page and there is several ways to contact me. Thank you for sticking with me and coming and reading my blog. I really hope I am helping people and you can relate to me,
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |