Last time I wrote on here I was talking about my best friend and how I was scared of losing her. Will I have realized that if we are true friends which we are then I didn't mess up anything. So I am really thankful for that. Now change of subject I am back on medication and I am on a generic Zoloft and I have been on it before but I don't remember how it affected me and I know I just started it but I feel more depressed, more irritable and way more anxious. I really don't like it and am really starting to believe I have bipolar disorder 2. Since going to that appointment and being told that I have been struggling with being mentally ill. It never really bugged me or I didn't really think of it before I guess. While now I been and I actually was so upset yesterday and my husband could tell and he asked if he could do anything for me after a sweet speech he gave me and I asked him to make me normal and he said he would try his best and I totally lost it. I know the reality is I will never be normal and that I can never be like the rest of the world. I also know if he could he would take away my pain. Sometimes I feel like having a name to what I got through makes it harder to swallow even if it is something that other people go through. I feel just tired which I think makes it even more harder. I also feel like the world is constantly judging me because I am not like them. I know my diagnosis is not who I am but sometimes it consumes me to the point where I feel like it is me and that there is no difference between me and my diagnosis. I hate when they ask if you think you have whatever they are saying you have. I always say I don't know even if I suspect I do because I just live with it on the daily I don't really know if I do have it or not I am not a doctor. I do wish that I could just wake up and find out that its all been a bad nightmare and that was what I told my counselor this last time I seen her. She told me unfortunately its not a nightmare and I was waiting for her to tell me that my issues where treatable. She didn't and good thing she didn't because I hate when they say that. Something that is treatable is something you have a possibly of being rid of it mental illnesses aren't something that go in remission. We can't recover from it either so saying we are in recovery isn't the right word either because someone in recovery is able to go back to a somewhat regular life without the drugs or whatever. MY counselor instead said its manageable with the right tools and medication. Which I will take manageable as a way of describing it but even that doesn't seem right because sometimes medication and all that doesn't work and its still not managed. I really don't know what the right word would be but most words don't work because we just don't ever seem to be 100% better and normal. Sorry if I offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings this is just my opinion and how I feel. I know its a journey we are all on and we are all on different paths of managing and what not. I know that word isn't right but I can't think of another word and maybe it is the right word I don't know who I am I to say anyway. We all have different opinions and have different things that work for us. I think we all need to find our voices in the mental health community and try to get people to understand us rather then labeling us as crazy. Just like drug addicts a lot of them are hurting and dealing with mental illness but there isn't enough resources out there for the mentally ill. Most people live their whole lives not knowing they are suffering from a mental illness. Had I not had a sister diagnosed as mentally ill I probably wouldn't know because for me its so normal. I know some people develop it early or later in life and mine started early and I think when you have lived with it so long or you first start having it you figure its normal or you'r new normal which shouldn't be happening. I still question if I just make this all up in my head and I made myself this way, maybe I am normal is something that crosses my mind quite a bit but I am not normal. Its just a hard pill to swallow. Sorry if all my post are always one big thing of words jumbled together. If it bugs anyone let me know and I will start making spaces if that makes it easier to read. This is just easy for me to read. Thanks for reading and sorry for all my craziness and stuff I put up here. I am just always every where which I hope some of you can relate. Have a good day and try to enjoy your good days. Savor the moments that are awesome when they happen so you have something to fall on when you have a bad day.
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So today has been crap that has turned into total whatever is worse then crap. I totally messed up but before that I woke up having major anxiety which just seems to never leave me anymore. While then I find out my best friend is having a hard time by her fiance and so I called to check on her and he asked me not to disclose he asked me to call so I didn't even though I knew she had to have known and I lied to her. I feel so bad if it was something worse I would have told her but I feel like I am going to lose her trust and soon I won't even have her as my friend. I feel like the worst person who ever lived. I want to cry because I messed up. I feel so mad at myself and I wish I could change it which of course I can't like with so much other stuff maybe I am exactly what I say I am not and maybe I am fake and deserve to have no friends or anyone else. I feel like I have messed up and I can't ever fix it. I mean we are adults and this is worse then when your younger and tell little lies. I completely ruined everything. I thought I could make it where her fiance would be happy and so would she. I really care about her she is the best friend I have ever have and we have been through so much but I am starting to feel like I am the worst thing for her and her life. She deserves to have better friends then me. I don't know how I am going to be able to get over hurting her because I know it had to hurt really bad no matter how small the lie and I can't take it back. Right now I just want to end it all and the more my depression and anxiety manifest and shit goes wrong the more I am feeling this life isn't for me. I am done for right now and I don't know if I will make it through the night and it's not her fault it's mine and just everything in this life and I feel like a lonely person with to many secrets and I can't hold on to anything anymore I just want to let go of my life and just be free of everything.
I have had my blog for a year today! Which is really cool! I went for my med appointment today and they think I may have bipolar type 2 the more depressed one. I was given an antidepressant and anxiety pills so if the antidepressant doesn't work I have to take mood stabilizers which would mean I am bipolar which I have been told I had before but each person likes to diagnose you with different stuff. I have 2 sisters who have bipolar disorder and I have to say I am hoping I don't even though it will make it easier to get my social security I hope I don't have it because it can pass to children and I might decide to not have a children because that's my biggest fear is passing on my mental health issues. I wouldn't change who I am because I am who I am because of what I have been through which has made me have mental health issues but I still wouldn't change it but I also wouldn't want my children to have it. So that's a big thing to think of and so is if I get pregnant I would have to know early enough to stop it to prevent birth defects. I don't know what to do. I really want to be a parent but I have so much other stuff I am confused about and only thing I am sure about is I want to be a parent and about my husband. I want to cry because I feel so overwhelmed about everything. I wish I hadn't gone to go get meds. I feel like my whole life is a lie because I am confused about my gender and everything else. I just don't know what to do anymore! Anyway blogs been up a year thanks to all who are regular and came to check it out or come to check it out you make it worth me writing! Hope you all have a great day!
So I wanted to come and write today because of course everything in my life is just not going right. of course that's nothing new my mom has an appointment today and I was supposed to go with her but she started complaining about my husband because he's always tired. He works all the time so its understandable he is tired and he doesn't sleep very well at night I tried to explain that to her and she decided I wasn't going to her appointment with her. She has seemed very anxious lately and I start to see myself and her. Which makes me wonder if I have kids will my kids be like me which is a complete basket case constantly. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. I love my mom very much and I've written about her and I've written great things about her because I think she's a great person and I know she's very strong but as of lately I've started to notice that strong woman starting to go away and I've noticed that in myself to. I feel almost like crying while I write this mainly because my mom is a wonderful lady but I have started to notice she lets her past get to her. I don't think she loves herself but I also don't think she knows how to I guess I am the same as her in that way. My mom and I have always had a relationship where it's always super good or it's super bad there's no in between and usually I'm the reason it's not good which I take full responsibility for I just wish that there was a way I could just let my mom know what I think and feel about her. I have a hard time putting things into words when the person that I want to tell something to the words don't come out right but I have been able to tell counselors how great I think my mom is but I can't tell her that. I guess it's always been easier to tell other people how I feel about somebody or to write it down I'm not very good with my feelings and neither is my mom and I slowly start to notice that me and her are so much alike except I don't have kids. But what I fear is that if I do have kids they will turn out just like hers and I don't want that. I know I'm probably repeating the same things again and again just phrasing it differently my husband recently told me that I asked the same question again and again like a little kid like I'm a broken record and ask them if I'm annoying he said yeah I can be. I feel guilty for how I am I feel guilty because I can't function like a normal human being and most days I even want to even try because I know the end result will always be the same I can't even cry most of the time even though I know it will help so I just feel constantly a bunch of pressure from the stress, the anxiety, the depression all of it it makes me mad makes me irritable it makes me wonder why I keep trying. Days like today make me wish I could just make myself disappear and erased my existence from everybody's mind so that when I'm gone nobody has to be sad, nobody has to miss me and best of all I would have never hurt a single soul. I really can't write anymore this is honest and raw as you're going to ever see from me and my writing this is what my depression looks like. This is what my anxiety starts to look like I want to die but I'm also scared to I'm scared of what's on the other side. So I'm going to leave this like this and hope you all can have a great day thanks for reading my blog. Bridget
I know its been a while since I have written and in my last post I said the post before didn't post which it did but my phone was showing it didn't for some reason. Anyway a lot is going on. Today is my husbands 22nd birthday and he just got his check and we don't have enough for all of our bills. I feel so bad and feel like if I just could go get a job and tough it out then we wouldn't be in this situation right now or if I had never been young and dumb with money. Then he wouldn't be stressed out on his birthday. I wish I could fix everything and make everything better and easier for him. I also am going to be seeing a med doctor on next Friday because my anxiety has been terrible. Oh I wanted to mention something my counselor said to me. I don't know if any of you have a issue with the word sorry or not but I do I overuse it and its because I always feel bad about everything that goes wrong so my counselor is challenging me to say I apologize rather then I am sorry because I guess when we say I am sorry we are saying we are a sorry person and that isn't the right message to send to our brain. I will admit I been failing pretty bad on doing that small switch but will continue to do it and hope I eventually can get it down. I feel like I am am a sorry person though but maybe this will help with that. Another thing she said for me to work on is trying to remember a time I was happy because apparently when we think of memories our brain thinks its happening right now. So I been trying to do that also but that is even harder then the not saying sorry. Okay so I want to talk about my husband a bit since it is his birthday. So I met my husband almost 4 years ago when he was 18 online and I was dating someone at the time I had been with this one guy since I was 15 and we spent 6 years together but he didn't treat me very nice. So when I met my now husband it was totally different he was super sweet and nice and could make me laugh and we would text for hours even when I had to get up early for work. We started out as friends and then I knew it would turn into more pretty quick so I broke up with the guy I was with for 6 years and of course he then wanted to do all the stuff he had promised me when we were together now that he was losing me and I wasn't having it because I knew that he wasn't who I was meant to be with after all my family didn't like him. So I ended that relationship and in a few weeks I had a new boyfriend my now husband. He has been just as amazing if not more then when I met him. He makes sure I am taken care of and loves me on my good and bad days. He doesn't try to make me be someone I am not and his family likes me and my family likes him. His family doesn't expect me to go to family events like my exes did so our relationship is the best relationship I have been in. My husband loves me no matter what. He would take a bullet for me. I can't say enough good things about him to make anyone understand how amazing and wonderful he is. I really hit the jackpot with him and sometimes I feel so bad about having the issues I do because he deserves better but of course he doesn't feel that way. I can't wait to grow old with him but then again I can because I want ever second I can with him. He loves me beyond fault and he would do anything to see a smile cross my face. Even when I am being the biggest bitch ever he still finds a way to look past that and love me and think I am beautiful. I had him tell me the other night that he wanted me to remember that no matter what that I need to remember I am beautiful and no matter where life takes us he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. He makes sure I know that I am beautiful in his eyes and strong and that no matter what he will be at my side. I have never knew a love like this except in movies so for me to have it. It kinda makes me feel like I am dreaming or it can't be reality. Like I said I can't say enough good stuff or explain how wonderful he is in enough words for anyone to understand the love he has for me unless they have or are experiencing such a wonderful love. You know we have been through a ton of stuff together things that should have made our relationship beyond repair but we have only grown stronger and closer and nothing could break our bond not even death. Sorry this is so long but I am done now. Hope you all have a wonderful day. Happy Birthday to my wonderful, loving, caring and sweet husband may all his wishes come true today.
I just noticed what I wrote yesterday didn't post which is just awesome. This has happened before and it's so annoying. So I lost all of what I wrote isn't that awesome. I can't even remember what I wrote yesterday but it was from my computer so apparently my phone app saves it so I don't have that issue. I can't delete it till I get on my computer again sorry for that. I am in a bad way. I am feeling super bad about things in my past and I don't want to be me anymore. I also have realized I am no better then my siblings and I don't know why I thought I was so different when I am not. I really don't know how much more of this life I want to try to live through especially when I am feeling this way constantly. My mom seems miserable and I feel unconnected from those I love. I feel alone and scared with no where to run. I can't believe I feel so trapped and in such a bad way. I know we all make mistakes in life but right now mine feel like I can never get past them. I should have done so much different and not let so many people do whatever they wanted to me and think it was fine. I don't even know who to talk to so I can get it off my chest and off my mind. I just can't keep this ugly cycle going of feeling this way. There has to be a way to stop it. I can't really write I have to help my mom. Hope you all have a good day and remember your beautiful inside and out don't let anyone tell you no different. Also don't let someone try to make you feel like you don't shine because you do even if you don't see it.
Some of what I talk about may trigger you so if your easily triggered I would advise not reading thank you. I feel like I am falling apart into a million little pieces lately. My emotions are all over the place and last night I had a nightmare about my abuser and it was so real like we were actually in the same room. I couldn't tell if I was actually sleeping or not it felt so real and everyone there seemed so real to. I know for a fact that what happened in that nightmare has never taken place in reality but it has been unnerving me all day long. The scariest thing is that he called my mom today which he calls her every now and again but it was so weird that he would call her today. I really know it shouldn't be but it was. Any way I feel so weird. He basically was trying to get me to follow him and I wouldn't I went to stand by my mom after he made a dirty remark. He then had my niece follow him and I knew it couldn't be good. Anyway I feel like it was my fault he took her and this wasn't even real. I feel as though I am losing my mind. It felt so real yet it wasn't and it was set in present time which is how I know it couldn't have happened a lot of my childhood I don't remember and if it was a dream and we were kids then I wouldn't know if it had taken place or not but this was a right now type of dream. I also know it won't become reality because I don't talk to either of them. I think its all the stress I am under right now. I have question for all of you. Okay so this is what I am doing from now on when I have a question for you readers. I am going to post a poll maybe then I will have people more willing to answer. I hope so let me know what you think of this idea either by answering the question with the poll or in the comments because comments are always welcome. So back to what I was talk about will actually before we get back to that I thought I had lost this post when I was making the poll and I nearly freaked out thankfully weebly is awesome and saved my draft for me. So anyway I feel super bad about this dream and I don't know why. I been having a lot of intrusive thoughts lately which I know is part of PTSD but I have been good about blocking this crap but apparently it wants to be remembered. When I was a teenager I had my sister who I was talking about being a witch in my last post basically give me to a guy so he could pretty much rape me. I will say it was some what my fault for it happening and to this day I blame myself but she went to shower and I was young and stupid and when I told her she didn't even care to make matters worse she tried to pawn me off on another guy she was dating as well. I really don't understand how I can have love for someone who has terrorized me in my life. She has been abusive to me in many ways yet I still love her because she is my sister. Anyway the thoughts about that guy and what he did to me has been a big issue to its been coming in my mind at random times making me scared and feeling like I am reliving what he did to me. This guy was married to. I haven't told many people this story so I am kinda surprised I am telling all the world. I just need it off my chest mainly. I have been raped and molested a lot in my short life and I feel embarrassed admitting it and I shouldn't because I am not the person who made that choice to do that to me. I know I haven't been the best sister to my sister who I referred to but she is 20 years older then me. I have said really hateful mean things to her and others but it was only after they said or did crappy things to me. I am not saying that as a excuse for my actions but I think that was just what I grew up around when someone was shitty to you and said something mean to you then you were mean back. I remember being super suicidal and she told me to kill myself and she knew I would that it wasn't a joke but she didn't care and didn't think of what could have come with her saying that. The thing that bugs me the most is that people who have been crappy to me have children and didn't love their children and it makes me sad because if I was given such a wonderful gift I would do anything to protect it and love it. I have a hard time understanding how horrible people get to be parents and I am having to work extra hard for it. I hear so much sad stuff involving kids in the news and it makes me question why those people had children to begin with if they couldn't take care of them or didn't know how to love another human. I sometimes question if I can love someone. I love my husband but even I question if I really do. I guess I am in a really dark place and trying to crawl out isn't working. I once wrote in my diary that I feel like I am in a hole and I try to climb out but the walls keep caving in and pushing me farther down. I have been in darker deeper holes before and gotten out eventually but I always wonder when it will all cave in and I won't be able to get out at all. I live in a world of fear day in and day out and I feel so embarrassed by it because I want to contribute to society. Growing up I had great ambitions but with all that happened to me it slowly started to go away and I couldn't even finish school. Last grade I finished was 8th because my home life got to much that I couldn't handle school or people especially not guys. I have points in my life and days where I am terrified of men. I am scared they will hurt me. I can be standing in line at the grocery store and get so scared of the person behind me and if I have a male cashier sometimes even female I will hold my head down and not make eye contact. I feel so rude afterward but I am also in a different mindset at that moment in my life. I have been just beaten to a point where some days I can't function. It makes me sad writing this and knowing that I actually experience this stuff. I want to cry because I don't want to believe that I have days like this when it happens I always try to brush it off as if it was nothing and that its normal to experience that. I just hope some day I can be carefree and happy and feel loved and just be alive without the fear and anxiety. I know I maybe just having wishful thinking but its a wonderful thought. With that I am closing this post out. Thanks for reading. Sorry for so much info on me and I just feel I should share with you all because I have a hard time sharing other wise writing is my easiest way to get my voice heard. Thanks again.
Hey everyone I know my blog is always all over the place I go from having times when I try to write super positive and others I am totally negative for that I am sorry but if I didn't write how I really felt then I would just be fake and I am not a fake person. I guess I just feel bad for my negative posts because I don't want to bring anyone down and I sadly can't stop myself from being negative no matter how positive I try to be. I really hope I am not the only one who feels this way or has this problem I guess it's more a problem then me just letting myself be this way if that at all makes sense. I am just super stressed out and feel like my husband and mom take on everything and I am just lazy even though I am not. My mom just got a call and she has a consultation coming up this month for her carotid arteries. So that's making my anxiety even worse and I been super depressed sleeping a lot and I haven't seen my counselor in about a month now because stuff keep coming up. I feel so beside myself about everything and feel super guilty because I can't fix what's wrong with my mom or make her other kids come see her and make her feel loved beyond belief. She really deserves it. I think my husband deserves better then me as well even though he would tell you he doesn't but he really does because he's a wonderful person just as wonderful as my mom! I wish that she had friends because she is such a sweet strong women with a lot to give to this world but has always been shut down which is really to bad because if people got to know her and she let them they would see what a beautiful soul she really is. I just wish I could take her medical problems and cure her that's how much my mom means to me. In reality if I could take the everyone who suffers pain away and deal with it I would I hate to see people be in pain because I know it all to well and I strongly believe everyone deserves happiness and to live life. I think I feel that way because I can't live life and I want to achieve happiness and I know I would still feel the way I do now but I think it's so strong because I have had my fair share of pain and bad life experiences but I have always tried to not let it get to me but it obviously does which in a lot of ways makes me sad because I have tried to live life but my thought of living is running away from my feelings so that is obviously not really living. I just hope that she can find happiness and I hope all of you can to because you all deserve it! You deserve to not be a prisoner of your anxiety or depression or whatever your suffering from that keeps you from living life. You matter and your life matters. You shouldn't live in fear but you should also remember bad things happen to great people and there isn't much we can do besides be aware of our surroundings and even then we don't know what might happen so we have to live and take risks and hope that the pay off from doing it will be good and not bad! I honestly wonder what you all must think of me. You probably think I am crazy or totally normal either way I really wish I knew because for some reason I like to know what the world thinks of me! Anyway enjoy your day and try to live each day as if it's your last!
Hey so life has been stressful between what's going on with my mom and my oldest sister being a witch plus my husband's dad almost died from being sick so it's just like one stress on top of the other! I feel absolutely beside myself and a lot of what my oldest sister has done to me and put me through is coming back to me and it's horrible. I feel like I don't even belong in my family more less in this world. I feel alone and depressed and like no one really cares about what I am going through. I just feel like maybe I should have never been born then people would feel better and happier. It really feels like I am bring them all down and I really can't help it. I feel completely worthless and like this world would be better without me. I really don't feel like I make a difference in this world at all. I am starting to feel like I am even wasting my time writing on here because I probably am not helping anyone and while you may be able to relate you probably feel like I am being whiny. I just wish I knew if anything I do in this life and world is making a difference. I honestly don't think it is. I also had to take a pregnancy test today since I am taking the provera and it came out negative as always so I think I am done trying I don't think I would be a good mom anyway it's to bad that I can't get myself out of this crap mindset and be a good helpful person but I keep getting told I am not more then I am told I am. I guess I have convinced myself that I am not worth anything and am a bad person who can't help anyone I can't even help myself. So I guess that's all I don't know if I will keep coming and writing I guess we will have to see. Hope your day and life is going a little better then mine and if not I hope it gets better soon thanks to those who do read and check out the Twitter for updates when I post and you can even email me now! That's all!
I actually have something to write about that is not exactly about myself. It has to do with me but not directly I guess. My mom has been going to a lot of appointments lately and has always had really high blood pressure and they have given her pills in the past to try and lower it and she is super stubborn. While today she had a appointment and they did a ultrasound on her neck and her veins or whatever are starting to close. I honestly feel like I am losing one of my best friends. My mom and I haven't always had the best relationship but in recent years we have formed a super strong bond. I want to cry, scream and just say screw you universe but I am trying to not let all of this get to me. I am really concerned I might not have years with her. She is suppose to get surgery on her neck she has to wait for surgeons to call her to find out when. I have tried to prepare myself since my dad passed for this day to come but I have to say nothing can prepare you to lose your mother or best friend. It doesn't even have to be a bio parent just someone you are close to. I really can't bare to think how I will react I know it hit me hard when I lost my dad and I never really dealt with it or grieved and with things they are going right now I am so scared not only will I lose my mom but I will lose all connect to my family. I don't talk to my siblings or other family so she is my only bio family that I am close to. It really is taking everything in me not to cry as I write this. I always hoped my mom would be here to see me have children and now I don't think that will happen and I just want to cry. Especially since we can't speed up trying to get pregnant. I wish I could turn back the clock and let me be her first born so I could have the most time with her. The rest of her kids really don't care about her or whats going on with her so none of them will even be able to understand the pain I am going through and she is still alive. I just don't know what I will do without my mom. I have never lost someone who was a constant in my life who I seen everyday I didn't even see my dad all the time and sometimes I forget he is gone. I have a friend on Facebook who lost her mom and I see how much pain she is in years later so I really can't imagine how bad it will be for me. I imagine I will dissociate because of how close I am to her. I know my husband will be a great support but he works all the time and I hardly see him now so without my mom I will be alone a lot and I don't think that will be good because all I will be thinking of is joining her. I know all I can do is enjoy my time with her that I have and just try to cherish all this time and love her and let her know how much she means to me but right now all I can think about is losing her and never seeing her again. I wish that life was different and I could change things and have a baby now so she could be apart of their life but I really don't see that happening. Have any of you gone through this? I am sure you have but how did you deal with it? Especially with having mental health issues it makes me scared I will take it harder then other people. Thanks everyone who reads and chose to respond. I really could use knowing I have readers out there and your support or words of encouragement would be great thank you all in advance. I don't believe in God but my mom does so if you could say a prayer for her to be okay that would be great. Thank you all. I really hope she makes it through all this and I have many more years with her because she is just a amazingly strong beautiful soul and this world will be a sad place without her beautiful soul.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |