So I been suffering for a while and just not been telling anyone how I been really truly feeling, until today when I told Mickeal and let me tell you I felt like he totally didn't get it, not one bit how I am feeling. I feel like sometimes with him I am not allowed to feel so down, that I hate my life. He makes me feel like its wrong to be so very upset with life its self. I feel super alone and scared. I feel so misunderstood as well. I just want a baby and to feel what its like for 9 months being pregnant and going into labor and breastfeeding and bringing my baby home and watch them grow up and have a life of their very own. Right now it feels like it will never happen for me and the pain its causing me is so very real that I am tearing up writing this. I am so happy for those who have babies or have them on their way but I want that too. Is it to much to ask to want a baby also. I mean it could be my weight keeping me from it and I been trying to lose weight but anyone with anxiety and depression know its hard to get motivated and once you do its hard to go out and exercise because of people. I really honestly think if I don't conceive ever in my life and have a child that my life will feel meaning less and I will feel even more worthless then I already do. Its so hard wanting more out of life but never getting it. I feel like a loser and failure everyday of my life. I feel unliked a lot of the time and like I am annoying or bothering those around me. I live almost as if I always have a cartoon dark cloud floating above my head. Now I am getting really bad anxiety and I feel sick because I am never really this honest with myself about how intense things get. I try to ignore it and pretend as if my life is fine and blame the anxiety on me not feeling well. I lead a sad existence. My mom said the other day best I am not living but simply existing. She was talking about herself but I relate so much to that. I feel sad that my mom feels this way. She deserves to have happiness, no matter what that means. Most days I also feel about 2 feet tall because I feel that low and that pushed down by life. You know I am 25 about to be 26 this year and I already feel so worthless in life it scares me to think of how I will feel at 30 or 40 years old. I want to believe it gets better but I know once I lose my mom I will really be a mess. Life is the hardest thing we do no wait living and trying to make it into a life is the hardest thing we do, we aren't given a instruction manual on how to navigate life. We are just tossed in and expected to just know how to do stuff. I mean a lot of people have family to help them in that part of life but if you don't have anyone to show you or help you what do you do? You try to figure it out and you either succeed or fail. Even those taught seem to have trouble but I have read a lot of stories about people being social and stuff even though they have anxiety and depression and I always wonder and ask myself why that can't be me. I wish I was that way. But I have never really been a social butterfly. When I was super young I was more social then when I started school and such. Sometimes I think public school caused a lot of anxiety but I think it was a combination of being abused and home life. My anxiety is rising as I talk about this stuff. But you know this is the real me that I keep locked away, the shit I don't talk about to anyone because its painful and anxiety educing. I guess this is the crap even I try to distance myself from, never realizing it. When I was younger I remember going to see my grandma and being so shy around her because we didn't see her often and now that she is gone and has been gone for years, I wish I had a chance to sit and talk with her and spend time with her. She was my only grandparent we were around growing up. I think that's why I want a baby now while my mom is still around so my child will at least have a grandma on my side alive since my dad is gone but I also know they will have Mickeal's mom and dad. I just don't want them to never have a chance to meet a grandparent on my side because I never met my dad's parents. His mom left him and his brother with their dad who got sick and put them in a orphanage in Cuba. So my dad didn't know his grandparents either. My mom on the other hand did she knew all her grandparents I believe. I just want my kids to have what I didn't in life. I want them to be happy and have full lives. I want them to have every opportunity to succeed and go far in life and be whatever they wish to be. I just want someone to be able to encourage to follow their dreams and give them 100% support. I just want a child to love unconditional and help them when they fall. I want to be called mom, mommy or mother when they are teenagers and upset with me or I have embarrassed them. I want to watch them grow up and graduate high school and go onto college if they choose t go. I want to watch them fail and succeed and buy a house and get married and start a family if they choose to do all that. Just to watch them grow and learn and be independent. Just to see them be all that they want to be. Sorry for going all over the place and writing so much. But this is me and my life.
Sorry this way so long but this my journal entry today and I know its a lot but its the real me and my real struggle today and everyday. This is how hard it is not being able to have a child. So anyway thanks for taking the time to read. Share if you want and try to have a great day till next time. Thanks again.