I want to come write because I am probably in the worst possible spot of my life. I am in such a dark place and yet I been hiding it from everyone around me. I feel like nothing matters. I keep eating knowing that I need to lose weight not gain it and I just can't stop myself. Even with self talk about how its killing me slowly I just don't care. I am in a dark hole. I been missing a whole lot of my counseling appointments because my counselor was being mean to me but maybe she was right. She was telling me how I shouldn't be a mom. I believe I covered all this in my last post. Will all of that is still getting to me 2 weeks later. On top of all that stuff from last time I am super overwhelmed by life and everything going on around me. To make matters worse my older sister who I am not talking to thinks its okay to have my oldest sister tell me off for her because she is mad I don't want her in my life. Its my choice is all I have to say about that and I am not changing it anytime soon. I am just in a ugly place and I have no idea how to get out of it. I broke down yesterday and its been happening more and more me feeling like this life isn't for me anymore. I don't know who to tell or what to do. I know there is help and I just need to ask but we all know what it is like to be in this place where seeking help is next to impossible because you just feel like life isn't worth it. While I know and want to believe this is all irrational and will pass I just can't get there. I need help and I know it but I just don't want to ask for it. I know I will be fine and I need you as readers to know I will be fine and this will pass. I have a ton of support around me. Also the shooting in Orlando, Florida at the night club has messed me up more then I ever imagined. I cry every time I hear something about it. All those beautiful wonderful people just being themselves trying to have a fun night and now they are gone in a split second. Life is short and it gets shorter with each hour, each minute, each second. I know I need to start living and stop living in fear of my own shadow but I just can't. I just need to feel whole for once not like there is bits and pieces of me all over the place. I keep having nightmares about so much different stuff. I just feel so lost and alone. I want to feel not so alone but I don't know how. I feel like a failure to society. I contribute nothing and I don't even know if there is anyone out there reading this or not. I keep wondering why I keep coming back to write about my life and my struggle if its not helpful to anyone because its not even really useful for me. Its so crazy to think of how dark the world can seem even with all the lights on in the world. I wish I felt hopeful or useful and while I have people telling me I do I feel I am not. I am also so scared to be friends with my best friend anymore because I don't want to be a burden to her. I know she will say I am not but I keep thinking I need to end our friendship because she is going on in her life and has so much to look forward to. I am just lost and scared and feel so alone. I hope this will get better I mean it will but its the waiting for it to happen that is scary and lonely. I have isolated myself so much its horrible and I don't know how to stop isolating. Anyway if anyone reads this and you relate it gets better I have been in a dark place before and found a light so its possible. If you need help even if you don't feel comfortable seek it out if I feel like I am really really in need of help know I will get it. I will be back to write again on another day because we can all make it through to the next day. Some may think if she is so depressed why does she put it will get better and we can make it through and its because even in my darkest of hours I would fight for a friend to stay alive and keep living over myself. Remember I am always here for you if there is readers and you can comment or email me. Just know your never alone. You are beautiful, You are Important, You are worth it and You deserve it. You are also very LOVED!!!
Before I start this post just keep in mind this. You are beautiful, You are Important, You are worth it and You deserve it. You are also very LOVED!!! Also it may trigger some.
I want to come write because I am probably in the worst possible spot of my life. I am in such a dark place and yet I been hiding it from everyone around me. I feel like nothing matters. I keep eating knowing that I need to lose weight not gain it and I just can't stop myself. Even with self talk about how its killing me slowly I just don't care. I am in a dark hole. I been missing a whole lot of my counseling appointments because my counselor was being mean to me but maybe she was right. She was telling me how I shouldn't be a mom. I believe I covered all this in my last post. Will all of that is still getting to me 2 weeks later. On top of all that stuff from last time I am super overwhelmed by life and everything going on around me. To make matters worse my older sister who I am not talking to thinks its okay to have my oldest sister tell me off for her because she is mad I don't want her in my life. Its my choice is all I have to say about that and I am not changing it anytime soon. I am just in a ugly place and I have no idea how to get out of it. I broke down yesterday and its been happening more and more me feeling like this life isn't for me anymore. I don't know who to tell or what to do. I know there is help and I just need to ask but we all know what it is like to be in this place where seeking help is next to impossible because you just feel like life isn't worth it. While I know and want to believe this is all irrational and will pass I just can't get there. I need help and I know it but I just don't want to ask for it. I know I will be fine and I need you as readers to know I will be fine and this will pass. I have a ton of support around me. Also the shooting in Orlando, Florida at the night club has messed me up more then I ever imagined. I cry every time I hear something about it. All those beautiful wonderful people just being themselves trying to have a fun night and now they are gone in a split second. Life is short and it gets shorter with each hour, each minute, each second. I know I need to start living and stop living in fear of my own shadow but I just can't. I just need to feel whole for once not like there is bits and pieces of me all over the place. I keep having nightmares about so much different stuff. I just feel so lost and alone. I want to feel not so alone but I don't know how. I feel like a failure to society. I contribute nothing and I don't even know if there is anyone out there reading this or not. I keep wondering why I keep coming back to write about my life and my struggle if its not helpful to anyone because its not even really useful for me. Its so crazy to think of how dark the world can seem even with all the lights on in the world. I wish I felt hopeful or useful and while I have people telling me I do I feel I am not. I am also so scared to be friends with my best friend anymore because I don't want to be a burden to her. I know she will say I am not but I keep thinking I need to end our friendship because she is going on in her life and has so much to look forward to. I am just lost and scared and feel so alone. I hope this will get better I mean it will but its the waiting for it to happen that is scary and lonely. I have isolated myself so much its horrible and I don't know how to stop isolating. Anyway if anyone reads this and you relate it gets better I have been in a dark place before and found a light so its possible. If you need help even if you don't feel comfortable seek it out if I feel like I am really really in need of help know I will get it. I will be back to write again on another day because we can all make it through to the next day. Some may think if she is so depressed why does she put it will get better and we can make it through and its because even in my darkest of hours I would fight for a friend to stay alive and keep living over myself. Remember I am always here for you if there is readers and you can comment or email me. Just know your never alone. You are beautiful, You are Important, You are worth it and You deserve it. You are also very LOVED!!!
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |