I am sure you can tell by the title I am feeling depressed and it's always kinda there but it just feels like it has all come down on me at once. I had my husband home today and it was good but I just can't help but feel like a failure. I honestly don't know why I feel this way I mean I kinda do but it's such a strong feeling to something I been feeling for a while. I feel like I want to cry. Maybe it's just to much on my mind 24/7 and never having a break I mean my thoughts seem to even act out in my dreams. I feel just so useless as a women and a wife. My husband thinks I am wonderful but I honestly don't feel I even come close to that. All this way stuff makes me frustrated as well and isn't helping my depression. I always thought getting pregnant would be easy but it's not at least not for and probably about half of the world. I feel for people who try for 10 years or more and aren't successful. I haven't been trying for even 5 years and I want to give up and say forget it but I can't because I know my husband wants it and he would make a wonderful dad. I just want to live the dream of being a parent and having a wonderful partner and I already have a wonderful partner. I also found out today that when I was younger I thought I was pregnant and so took the morning after pill to make sure I wouldn't be because my oldest sister told me I couldn't be a mom at my age and I was just a teen so I did what she said but my mom told me she would have helped me if I had been back then and it made me want to cry because what if it would have resulted in pregnancy and that was my only chance I would be devastated if I ever knew. I just feel all over the place my anxiety is getting to me and so is my depression so this is going to be short kinda I guess shorter then normal. I am going to bed hope you all have a great day or night.
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Hi everyone I know I was doing really good for a while there and then I hadn't wrote anything for a while! I have been under extreme amounts of stress and anxiety. I can't even be in a car and feel okay I feel like I am constantly waiting to die. So I am constantly tense which just makes me really badly irritable. I feel bad because my mom has been talking more then normal and I seem to snap at her a lot and I can't even stop it. I feel constantly under pressure to give my husband a baby. He wants 3 kids and I don't think I will even be able to give him one which makes me wonder if I should have waited to get married and not talked about kids and pretended I wanted none but I didn't know then that I couldn't get pregnant I mean I suspected it but didn't know for sure. It makes me feel horrible if it never happens we been trying everything and soon the last resort will be doing the whole fertility thing which I don't want to do because it cost so much. I am also trying to lose weight which is stressful I eat less and am more active then I was but I don't know if it's enough. I wish I could have a treadmill in my home I would use that thing every day. My husband works his butt off and we are constantly broke which makes me feel bad because makes sure each check he can give me a little money for stuff I may want or need and right now I been saving it for a dress for my best friends wedding. At first the money was for me to take my mom's to a restaurant that's by the water where we live and now that has to wait but after I have the money for my dress which I just about have. I will be saving again to do that for her and after that saving again for her birthday so she can do something special since she will be celebrating a big birthday this year I want her to enjoy herself and try to have some good memories of life. I love my mom a whole lot but she doesn't live life and I wish she would because she isn't getting any younger and she deserves to live a little before it's to late. I also feel bad because my husband doesn't live either and he didn't before he met me. He doesn't see friends or family. He did see his dad a lot before working and his dad moving to a State over but now he calls his family once a week and talks to his best friend when he can. I feel bad he says he is happy but I don't know how he could be happy just working all the time and only seeing me and my mom all the time. I honestly sometimes feel like their lives are this way because of me. Like maybe they feel bad that I am at home and only see my best friend sometime. I had "friends" a ton of them when I was using but now I don't talk to really any of those people from that time. I have a few who have gotten clean on my Facebook and stuff but we aren't like buddies who talk which is the case with most of my Facebook friends. Yet to me they are still friends I just don't talk to much or at all. I guess I live a very lonely life like my mom did only difference is she had kids and a crap husband and I have a wonderful husband and no kids. My life is very similar to hers we both had crap childhoods, hardly any friends, crap dad's and a very lonely adult life plus we both didn't finish high school because of home life. She always would tell me to not follow in her food steps and yet I am almost step for step. Except my mom never used hardcore drugs she was a drinker which I had my times of drinking like a fish and almost dying so I have a lot of close calls of dying but yet here I sit. I know obviously something wants me here and I think it's that my husband needs me more then I like to realize. I know if he read that he would tell me finally you see it. Which is what he usually says or says he wins when I agree with what he has been saying forever. I truly love him and he loves me he is really amazing to me I feel lucky to have him in my life which is why I want to give him a child so badly because he is awesome. I also want my mom to be a grandmother who can have her grandkids around. She deserves it as much as my husband deserves it. Will I guess I stop going on. Hope you all have a totally awesome day I know I am going to try!
Hey everyone. Just wanted to come write a little about what I am going through at the moment in my life. I was put on Provera which they put my on for me to have aunt flo come visit regularly and I am totally sick right now she is visiting and I am nauseous and having seriously horrible anxiety I didn't get to sleep till early morning today because I was so paranoid. So I am going to see about anxiety pills I think I have mentioned that before and sorry if I keep repeating myself. While my husband has been so sweet and awesome right now while I am going through all of this and I feel like pulling away and I don't know why. I am going through this is whole thing to try and get pregnant because if I had it my way I would want to never have another visit again. I end up in really bad pain and now I am severely nauseous all last night and all today which I think might be either from the anxiety or is bring on the anxiety. I feel so depressed. I also had someone I thought was my friend remove me from Facebook and block me all because I was trying to tell her it wasn't wise to put anything like Vaseline on a new tattoo so whatever her lose. I just feel alone and sad I guess even though I have my best friend and my Mom and of course my awesome husband. I know I should tell him that maybe we need to put on hold getting pregnant because it's getting to stressful for me but then again I don't want to really wait and find out we should have tried now. I just feel so confused and seriously just sick. I wish there was a magic pill to help me figure this stuff out. I am also trying to lose weight which isn't easy especially since I am one of those people who works out sometimes but I am not watching what I am eating and how much to try and take some weight off but at the same time I feel like if it comes off it comes off but now I feel like I will never have a baby if I don't take this weight off that's hard to get off thanks to the stupid PCOS which makes it hard to get pregnant so I just feel like I am stuck in a place where no matter what I do I can't really win because I have read some women take the weight off and still can't conceive and of course I want the weight off for health reasons just as much for a baby I just feel if that's the case it might just make me want to back peddle. I just feel really lost and alone and depressed. I also was having issues a while back with self harm and I guess a sign of me not being a teen anymore I now have some seriously nasty scars. I just wish I had done things differently in life and tried to make it better before it all got so bad but I also don't know what I could have changed! While I am done I really am feel horrible and just need to try and relax. Sorry for the TMI stuff. Thanks for reading!
So I have been having a really hard time controlling my emotions lately and I don't know why! I find myself snapping at people like I been snapping at my mom a lot and my husband and it just seems like I can't stop myself before I do it! I feel super bad afterward and embarrassed because it keeps happening! I am under a ton of stress and I don't know if it's because of the stress that I am snappy or if it's just I am getting generally annoyed at that person. Anyway I snapped at my mom about the remote because she was getting mad it wasn't working and so I snapped at her for something so stupid and now I feel embarrassed and I think I hurt her feelings which wasn't my intentions just so much has been going on and I been snapping at her a lot over stupid stuff. Last night she comforted me because I am just having a really hard time dealing with all the stress I am trying to deal with along with my anxiety and depression so I just feel super tense and she thinks I need some medication which I really haven't been wanting since my husband and I are trying to get pregnant right now but I agreed some anxiety pills might be a good idea since going to the store is to much for me I get panicky pretty quick plus with my best friend/sissy's wedding coming up I figure it would be a really good idea because I am her maid of honor and I don't know how many people will be there and with some many people I don't know it will be so overwhelming so going to talk to my therapist about getting meds since she has been trying to convince me to get meds the last few times I seen her since I mentioned to her about meds a while back when I thought we would give baby making a rest but we decided not to and so I decided to not get meds but maybe meds will make it easier to get pregnant. Has anyone gotten pregnant when starting meds or after being on meds for a certain about of time and if so did you continue to take them was your baby okay or did you stop them for your pregnancy and where you okay? I just would like to know anyone's experience with mental health meds and pregnancy because I worry about getting meds with trying to get pregnant it makes me feel like I need to pick my battles and maybe I need the meds more then I need to be a mother. I just feel conflicted on everything. Plus I been confused about my gender which I feel like is a losing battle because I feel scared to change who I am especially since me staying who I am makes my Mom most comfortable so I just think I am better off as I am and I don't have the time or energy to put into that anymore to much other stress has come up and I am just physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. Do any of you feel this way how do you cope and make it through? I feel like pulling out my little bit of hair or just sleeping and never waking up which I guess is another good reason to check into meds. Last time I was this bad in a mental state I was a teenager and I have as in and out of the hospital for attempting suicide so it's not something I should take lightly and act as if I can make it through again because this time no one might be there to save me from myself. If I didn't have my dog Samson I probably wouldn't leave my bed during the day unless to use the bathroom so he makes me get up and take him out and that's probably a good thing. Some days I wish he could open the door and take himself out that's how bad it gets and if it wasn't for my mom I would never leave the house she makes sure I get out every now and again to go to the store. If it wasn't for Mickeal my husband I probably would be still trying to end my life just about everyday. If it wasn't for my best friend/sissy I probably wouldn't have survived middle school or had any friends she really has been a great friend and has helped me stay straight since my drug abuse. I really hope all my readers have people like this in their life if you don't maybe I could be someone to talk to for you. I really believe it's because of these people that I breathe another breathe and I don't give up but I will also say just because I have them doesn't mean I don't still have times when I question why I am still here or why I am still trying to stay alive. Thanks for reading my blog. I know I usually am not so active on here but trying to come write a "little" each day! Hope you all have a great day and great memorial day weekend!
I am having a really bad day today! My anxiety is really super high and I know why I just wish it would stop! I had a nightmare last night that felt so real and it's making me feel so uneasy. I felt like it was really happening and I woke up and the weather outside was like it was in my nightmare so it just feels like it could happen I guess. I know it sounds crazy but my anxiety is so high I can't even begin to rationalize anything. I think anxiety is one of the worst feelings I experience because it's so relentless and no one can change the way your mind is think not even yourself. I have tired to convince myself that it was just a dream it's not reality but I honestly can't. I feel super exhausted too but I can't sleep because I am scared the same nightmare might appear. I really wish their was a way to shut the anxiety off. I went out shopping with my mom and I felt like everyone was staring at me and giving me dirty looks and it just made me feel even more uncomfortable. I am back home but I feel so sick to my stomach and uneasy. I really hope it will pass but from experience it will probably be with me the rest of today. I feel like I am being a paranoid baby but I know that I really am not. I wish it was easier to rationalize things when I get like this but it seems like logic goes right out the window when the anxiety kicks in. Plus I have a ton of stuff on my mind like money which always seems to be a issue, then their is trying to get pregnant, the stress with Samson the other day, my husband working a lot and barely seeing him and also my mom having problems with her legs not to mention my little brother seems to be going through a hard time right now so I just have a lot on my mind and that is only some of what runs through my mind. I just I could just be like all of this is just facts of life because it is but to me it's something I feel I need to stress over I guess it's something that has always been with me since I was a child I have always been a very stressed out person since I can remember and I really believe a lot of it streams from my dad but I also know I should have found better coping skills when I was younger but I also know I had no one to help me then to be able to cope especially since both my parents had not the greatest upbringing so they really didn't know how to deal with their emotions which always worries me if I have kids will they not be able to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. So yet again another thing I stress about I guess I am just a big ball of stress. Sorry this is so long thanks to those who read this you make it worth me writing on here! Hope everyone has a better day then I am!
So yesterday I was talking about how I gave Samson some flea medicine that had killed peoples pets and he lucky seems to be doing fine I think I washed him soon enough before it could do anything. I am so happy he is fine I just hope he continues to be fine. I am really stressed out today. I feel so exhausted and have a major headache which is probably from not really eating. I have so much on my mind that eating is the last thing on my mind which is good on one end because last time I had seen my doctor I had lost 6 pounds so I am hoping I lose more but on the other end I know its not good to not eat at all. I just have to much going on in my mind to have anymore to stress over. I am not really sleeping at night I just have to much going on in life to even function it seems like. I feel like I am a wind up toy that only gets a break for a while and then someone winds me up again. My husband has been working a lot which is also stressful because we hardly see each other. I cook for him and he goes to bed. My anxiety is really high too and I just feel constantly on end. I really feel like I am hanging off a cliff and my hands are slipping off the rope. I just wish I could stop the cycle of being fine to being so depressed that nothing matters. I feel so exhausted. I don't know what else to write right now so I guess this is it. Thanks for reading.
Today has been a pretty bad day! So it was good until I got home and put some flea stuff on my dog. Usually I look up stuff before using it if I am unfamiliar with it also I usually never use flea meds on my pup. Will today I bought some for cheap and should have known it couldn't be trusted will I went to google it after applying it to my dog who I must say is my baby and I love him so much I have his paw and name on my foot. Okay getting off track so I find out this flea medicine can kill my dog and has killed others which I then freak out and go bathe him twice with dog shampoo I am still distraught and freaking out I was crying and I call the vet I take him to. They tell me wash him with dawn dish soap so I have my mom run out to get some will I still cry and proceed to freak out. I then text my friend and I swear it seems like forever for my mom to get back but my friend is trying to help me calm down which she eventually is able to do and then my husband gets off and messages me and my dog isn't reacting to the stuff still so I run him upstairs once my mom gets home freaking out still and I keep saying please be okay, please be okay, please let this work, please let this work. So I wash him 3 times with the dawn and its been a few hours he seems fine but people have said it takes all the way up to 12 hours I am just really hoping nothing comes up in the night because the vet can't do anything they just say to keep them comfortable if they get sick. I feel like a bad mom to my dog but I didn't know and I know I need to stop beating myself up because someone else who also used the same product usually researches stuff before using it and her dogs were sick for a while but fine now it sounded like I just hope I got it off enough that he doesn't have any reaction I am just thankful I decided to research it right after putting it on and that is mainly because my dog seemed like he didn't like it and it seemed like cleaner so I knew something couldn't be right. I will from now on always look up stuff and I just won't use flea stuff because he never has fleas but the vet keeps telling me that he needs to be treated for them anyway even though there is only one dog in our house and he never gets flea. I just don't trust stuff like that even if my dog turns out to be fine which I am really hoping is the case. He has been there through a lot with me from grieving my dad which is why I got him was because I was having a hard time when my dad had passed away and my mom was worried about me so she let me get Samson my dog and he has been with me through my break up with a guy I was with for 6 years and he has been here through all my marriage issues and through being homeless and through my drug addiction and now my sobriety so I really don't know what I would do if something happened to him! As you can tell Samson is really close to me and really a big part of my support system he even had to live with my mother in law and her boyfriend and he was still super excited to see me when he was able to come back and live with me. He loves me unconditionally and I love him the very same which is why I feel so super bad about giving him flea medicine that has such a bad reputation. I am really hoping he makes it through the night fine like every other night and is fine tomorrow and so on and so forth because Samson is really like my child and considering I may never get to have kids he means everything to be especially since he protects me. He is a little dachshund in case anyone was wondering. I will post a pic of him! So this is Samson I know he is so super adorable. He can also be a pain in the butt but I love him and who couldn't love a face like that! I will let everyone know if he ends up being fine. Thanks for reading this long post about my furbaby!Hi readers I just want to come and say thanks to those who follow my blog! Remember you can always comment on here! I wanted to write about what's going on with me so I been being a lot more active and eating better to try and lose weight mainly and most of all to get healthy! I have noticed a couple of different things mentally from doing this. I have notice my depression isn't as bad as it was when I was eating a lot of bad stuff and not being active so that's one positive thing but I have also noticed that when I sleep I seem to have more nightmares which I am really not liking to much. I am not sure why this is happening because I really didn't have a nightmares to often before but now I am. Has anyone else experienced this before where you change something and you start to have a increase in nightmares? I know when I was a kid I had a ton of nightmares and night terrors but now I get them only sometimes but recently I have had a increase in them. Last night I had a really bad one and woke up not being sure if it was reality or not. I also am still trying to figure out what's going to make me comfortable with my gender. I feel like doing anything drastic might make those I love push away especially my husband which my nightmare last night was about him so I don't know if maybe I have to much on my mind all the time and that's what is causing me to have nightmares which is probably what it is but I really am not sure. One thing I do know is for sure the being active has made me feel a little better and I know it's so hard to get active when you are so depressed but when you have a bright day take advantage of it because sometimes you can keep yourself from going back to such a dark place again. I know it's hard and I know how much of a struggle it is but it is worth it to even have a few days of feeling good or at least okay because everyone deserves to have days when they feel like they can seize the day and tackle anything which is why I been trying to keep myself active and I will say that I still get depressed so it's not a complete forever fix but I do feel better which is what counts in my mind. I use to say oh everyone thinks being active will change stuff yea right but you don't realize it till you start doing it and you have to keep at it not just do it one day then not the next day and I am just talking about going for a walk or just going outside for a little while something small can make a huge impact on your mood and mental health. I hope this will help someone out there because I have been that person who always thought because I was overweight everyone wanted me to be active so I could lose weight not improve my mental health and mood but it has and I am happy I gave it a chance and had it improve stuff for me. One last thing before I go I am feeling extra confused about my gender because I feel like would be happy being the other gender but am scared if I do it that it will be the wrong decision and I have will regret it or that I will be more uncomfortable. I need to get some guys clothes and see how it makes feel first I suppose! Thanks for reading.
So this is how short I have my hair now! Mainly cut it because I wanted to look more like a guy which I have said I have been exploring for a while now! It just makes me a lot more comfortable with it this length and I personally love it short like this! I think I may need to let it grow some for my best friends wedding in August but will be cutting it again after that back to this length! I decided to post these because a reader ask me to! I am happy I have someone who actually reads my blogs and was willing to comment back! Sorry if I come off unorganized it's probably because I usually am with so much going through my mind! I see my counselor tomorrow and I am not sure if I should tell her about my gender issue I have going on or not! I am worried I tell to many people and it ends up being something that will pass but then again every time I have thought that or had someone think that it didn't pass! Like my depression and wanting to wear dark clothes which I don't do because my mom like me in colors but my depression wasn't just me being a teenager I wish it was! I half hope this is a time when it will pass mainly because I don't want to lose anyone! Its hard to let myself relax especially lately! Yesterday I had 2 cups of coffee and ended up paranoid for the rest of the night and half of today! I keep forgetting I can't have coffee it just messes with me so bad! I thought I was going to die the anxiety was so terribly bad! I hate when that happens mainly because I keep it to myself till the following day! Just hope I can sleep tonight and thanks to my readers for reading my blog! Especially thanks to Raven for commenting and letting me know you can relate that made me feel better to know I am reaching people who can relate!
So last time I wrote a post I talked about something I really haven't discussed with a lot of people and I been feeling really depressed lately because I am so confused about everything. I am constantly going back and forth and mainly because I worry what others will say or think of me. I also feel super lonely and alone. I feel like I have no help or support system right now and I know I have people who I can tell that hey I need some extra support right now. I just don't want to do that I am one to always stand on my own 2 feet and I actually had my husband ask me why am I married to him if I can't talk to him about everything. Will I feel like he should know why I am married to him and its because I love him and I do talk to him about a lot of things but some things I need to figure out on my own. Plus I don't need his input especially when he really can't understand what I am going thru. I am always confused or I am pushing crap always to try and be content so no matter what I am depressed. I wish I could just be content with who I am and accept that I feel more one way then the other but I worry how I will be perceived by the world. I also have talked strongly about children and wanting to have children and carry them so does that mean that all my questioning is normal and I am really fine being me. I really don't know and I wish I had someone who could answer all these questions who has been through this. One thing that really gets me is that my husband doesn't want to really get checked to see if maybe he is part of the reason we can't get pregnant and I don't know why he won't but its probably not helping me in what I am going through. I also had my brother who has caused me to have my issues be at my house to see my mom and all I could think is I want to tell him I will be fine one day because I will live as a new true me. I feel like a butterfly almost and that if I go through what I want because I feel it will make me feel a 1000 times better that I will then be beautiful like I should have always been. I also question if I feel this way because of what happened to me. Then again I know lots of people who have been through what I have and don't feel this way. I just feel like I should be true to me but on the other hand I feel I am not ready to be so free. I have always had to fake it through life and this might be what will save me and make me feel like me for once. I don't know why I feel so scared to take this leap and be true to myself but I feel I have so much invested in my life as who I am. I just wish I could get pregnant have a child and see how I feel and I realize some might feel like that would be just like really mean for me to do but I don't feel it would be children seem to be very flexible and understanding. I just wish my confusion would go away and I know I sound so sure of what I want and maybe I am but maybe I feel like I wouldn't be accept but I guess when I am ready I will get over all fear and anxiety attached to it and do me for once in life. Thanks for reading this I know its long. I just have a lot of feelings I needed to get out. Thanks again.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |