I been feeling so incredibly stressed lately. I am trying to get social security disability and I am at the end were you go to court and I should be seeing a judge this year and I am really hoping I get it. If that was the only thing I need to stress about I might not feel overwhelmed okay not as overwhelmed as I feel. I feel like I am drowning in my thoughts. I am worried about my mom who is stressed about our house which I am also stressing about and the fact she is lonely and feels like she missed out on finding someone but I know she hasn't and I hope she finds someone soon. The other thing that I am stressed about is my little brother he is thinking of ending his life and of course people online want to encourage him. I have tired to help him from feeling this way but I feel like he needs someone else to tell him that things can get better and I know I am no expert on that but I have to hold on to the hope it does. I also feel stressed about not getting pregnant and while that is the last of my worries I am still stressed about it I see my doctor in 2 days to see if I have PCOS like I was told before and I will be celebrating my clean date as well as my sister celebrating her's we will have a year. I think I feel overwhelmed because I can't drink or smoke because of trying to get pregnant and smoking cigarettes decreases the chances as well as drinking. So I feel extremely overwhelmed usually I would drink in these situations but I am trying to learn to deal with my issues without stuff like that. I know all that stuff seems like small stuff but add all that with nightmares of your past trauma and depression as well as not telling people your feeling like your life is worthless and you want to end it makes for a hefty load for one person to handle alone. Life isn't the easiest and sometimes I wish I could work and get over my anxiety and stop being depressed and just be fine but it's not so easy and I wish it was mental health is a mean scary beast that seems unbeatable and can easily break you down till you feel like you are worthless and like your never going to be okay or happy. It makes you feel lonely and uncared for. I know I have a lot of people who love me and care about me but you know sometimes that is not enough it seems. One thing I know tho is that I am not what I tell myself or the mean things others tell me but rather what those who truly love me tell me. Life should be beautiful and precious but for a lot of us in this world is not is depressing and ugly something that wants to make us feel miserable and we will never understand why. I guess I just want everyone to know that their life is beautiful even if it doesn't seem like it is but it is just keep your head up and remember that your beautiful and those who truly love you will make sure you know if you don't believe it they will keep telling you how much you mean to them and how much you have to offer this world and if you have no one like that I will tell you right now that you are beautiful and yes I don't know you but everyone has something to offer even if you have made horrible mistakes I have to but we ate beautiful and wonderful and deserve to forgive ourselves and feel loved and wonderful and great because we are all of those things. Never give up and find a reason to be happy or at least make it thru another day because you never know what the future has in store for you.
0 Comments
So I know I haven't post in a while but last time I had a huge thing typed out and for some reason it didn't save it when it said it was posting sadly but anyway I go to see my counselor tomorrow and I am dreading it. For those who don't know I really actually dread it every time and only reason I go is because my mom and husband want me in counseling especially when I have episodes of full on paranoia. One thing that I have to look forward to coming up is I am going to have my one year clean date on March 29th from using. I am so proud of myself and don't even miss it. My life is better and goes smoother without drugs. I also haven't been drinking either which is a huge accomplishment for me. With my husband and I trying to have a baby I want to stay away from all of that. I been thinking a lot about of I can get to a good spot by my birthday and I am not pregnant and haven't gotten my social security disability I will possibly go back to school. It's something I want to do but those who suffer with anxiety and depression know it's easier to talk about it then actually do it which is my issue. I want to be able to help my husband and mom pay bills at the house even though I am constantly told they got it. For me I feel like a burden on them a lot of the time and lately I been bottling my feelings and trying to write in my journal so I don't put my issues on them or others. One thing I was writing about in my last post that got deleted was that of being a burden but hoping those who feel that way know they are beautiful and strong and deserve to live and be happy. I know I should listen to that and take it to heat but it's honestly easier for me to tell others that then for me to ever believe it's true for me. Some days are definitely easier then others and I have to say I been faking to be happy lately that I actually start to think I am and bottle the negative which comes out later but at least I am trying is all I can say. I have this best friend and we haven't been talking much and I keep thinking to text her but then she will ask me how I am and I always feel the end to tell her even though I know she has her own stuff going on. It makes me wonder if I am a bad friend. I guess it does but doesn't I really don't know what it makes me but I know she cares and I care about her we have known each other since middle school and I seriously admire her so much she is one of the bravest people I know right there next to my mom. The things people live through can be terrible and yet that person ends up being a beautiful soul despite the ugly things that has been done to them. Mental illness is a ugly thing that has taken over my life and others I love lives to whether they suffer themselves or love me and watch me suffer but yet they are beautiful and compassionate and caring so to say mental illness has destroyed my life wouldn't be right because in some ways it makes you even more beautiful because it teaches you to love and care and have compassion towards others. It also teaches you not to judge a book by its cover because some people may look fine and yet fighting the hardest battle of their lives. They could be thinking of suicide and no one can know it. I think mental illness should be taken very seriously and thought of as a disease that can kill and because of that we should live each day like it is our last because we never know when it will be accidents happen and so does many other things and life is so short that we deserve to be happy and loved and appreciated. So if no one has told you today your loved and beautiful and deserve to be happy. Never give up on yourself or happiness because I know you are capable of it and you will do anything to achieve that goal. I know it's easier said then done and living with mental illness is hard but even though all our stories and battles are different there is one thing that is the same for ever living person and thing and that is pure true happiness. I know I have lots of days where I feel alone and unloved and unwanted and a burden and those days are super hard to live thru but I know I have reasons to stay alive look for one reason each day or something in the near future to look forward to and remind yourself of that very thing when you have a day you feel you can't go on because I bet that if you keep telling yourself you have that to look forward to you will stay alive one more day and if that doesn't work then call someone to talk to our something please be sure to reach out because death is forever but the pain is not. I keep hearing in the news about kids bullying others and it makes me think that kid that is doing the bullying is in pain themselves and are just reflecting it onto others and it makes me sad that these kids aren't getting the help they need and neither are the bullied kids. I know for me that I have had adults call me fat and other mean names when I was at my lowest points in life but luckily I was able to make it thru and it makes me sad that most don't all because someone is in a bad mood that day or just isn't having a good home environment or was once bullied themselves. They end up making another take their lives because that kid they bullied was having a hard time and that was the last straw so if you see bullying please stand up and help stop it or at least try to befriend the person who was bullied do something to make a difference because we need to stick together. Everyone deserves to live and no one deserves to feel that they shouldn't be alive. I know this is long just a lot of my lost post was coming back to me and I needed to get it out. I am sure I don't have many readers who come back again and again to read my blog but if my blog can help one person at any given time then I feel like I have accomplished something by writing and here. I really wish if people find something helpful or inspiring or whatever would comment but I understand I am one who doesn't comment a lot either because people can be rude but I won't tolerate people being rude or bullies. But I hope you all enjoyed this post I gotta try to sleep now. Hope everyone finds a reason to smile today!
|
Archives
June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |