Hey everyone! How is your week going? I hope well, I know I have been struggling with everything lately. My anxiety and depression are in full force along with me being anger and irritable. I just am not doing well. I keep replaying what has been said to me by my sister I don't talk to. Her and her boyfriend said my husband deserves better then me and should really leave me. They feel bad for him because he is with me. I just keep thinking about that and my husband keeps telling me that he loves me and that what they are saying doesn't matter and while I know that it still is bugging me. I just feel like I have hit a point in life where I just feel like I have truly lost hope in everything. I haven't been trying to watch what I eat or anything and its just a I don't care attitude I have and its really the worse attitude I can have. I know I should think positive and have hope and believe it will get better but it really gets hard and tiring watching the world go on without you. I feel like I am standing still and it really is taking its toll on me and my mind. I been trying to stay busy with going and doing yard work or laundry, the usual stuff you do to take your mind off things but its not helping me one bit. I just hate this feeling I know it won't last forever because it never does but its so hard to look forward when the past keeps haunting me. I use to think I lived without regret but there is so much I wish I could go back and change because I do regret it. I feel like if I did somethings different my life would be different then it is right now. I know that is probably not true but it feels like it. I mean it feels like once your walls start caving in you are trapped in that darkness with no where to go and no glimpse of light you even start to forget what the bright side looked like. Its really hard to look forward when it feels like your mind won't let you leave the past in the past. I know that maybe right now isn't the time for me to really have motivation to lose weight and I may never be there and I remember being okay with my weight when I was even bigger so why can't I love myself now? I also know that maybe right now isn't my time to have a baby either but I am losing hope on have a baby at all. I feel so lost and alone even though I am not alone it can get so lonely and I am just lonely in my own head constantly. I feel like I am so use to chaos that when it is chaotic I am so much better then when life is boring and calm and while that sounds crazy just remember you're reading the blog of a crazy women. I just hope I can break out of this soon before its to late and I decide that my burden of me being a live is to much. I really want to be hope for people but I need you all to know you will have bad days but you will also have good days which is why I say I know it won't be forever this way. I feel like it will but in reality it won't be. I have been here so many times in the short time I have been alive that I just know that it won't be here forever. I just want to go back to okay days, the days don't have to be the wonderful I am awesome days just okay days where I am just okay I am not really happy and I am not really sad but I just am. They aren't my favorite days but they are better then these days where I don't want to get out of bed or I feel sick with a headache everyday because I am barely sleeping. Did I mention that nightmares are also super common with me when I am like this so that is super awesome as well. I feel like I embarrass my mom she had talked to someone we use to work with and she asked about me and my mom had to explain my mental illness to this lady and I just feel like she felt she wishes she could at least say one of her kids are normal and okay and not plagued with mental illness. Anyway those who read this you are special and amazing and I appreciate you all. I know you probably hate I mainly post the bad days but I know there is good day post on here too. I will do better to post those days too so you can see both sides of the coin. Have a great rest of your week and I hope you enjoy your weekend.
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Hey everyone! I know I keep being really bad at coming and writing on here. I get really busy and end up forgetting or just forget to come write. I am also struggling to be quite honest. My life is going good and my mom is doing a lot better then she was. Yet I am depressed and yes, I know its the nature of the beast but let me tell you it seems really unfair its here when my life is going so well. Not only am I depressed but I been having suicidal thoughts that started yesterday. My anxiety is high and even with my life going so well to me it feels like it is going down hill but I know the reality is it isn't. One thing I have learned from having depression and anxiety is that you lie to yourself a lot and you have a whole lot of irrational thoughts. I have started to learn to ignore this. How I have I really couldn't tell you, I try to compare this time to the last time I was suffering and also how things would look right now without the depression. I know I am lucky and blessed to have what I have like my mom, husband, sister/best-friend and my older sister. I know I have talked about not talking to my siblings much especially my sisters, but I have recently decided to give my oldest sister another chance and here is why. For one she was the one who was there and took me to the ER on my first overdose when I was 14 years old so obviously that is major and then she let me live with her after all that when my mom had to much going on to be able to try to deal with what was going on with me that was way before we really knew what was going on she thought I was being a teenager and going through a faze. It was not a faze so if you are a parent and you read this know that you need to pay attention and listen to what your child is telling you. Even if it seems like nothing don't ignore it take them and get them evaluated because that was just one attempt on my life so its super important to help them before it gets there. Okay back to why my sister deserves this chance, we both have said things we regret in the past and I am usually the one to lose my cool with her and that is not her fault. Last reason she has changed a lot will going through her therapy and she can relate to me and is another person for me to talk to. I think she deserves this chance and let me tell you I am that person that gives a million chance to someone and then some and I know that's not good, But she is my sister and I feel its important to give her this chance plus I talk to her daughter and she deserves a chance to be in my life as well. Okay so something else that is going on with me. Today marks 5 years since my Dad passed away. Now I really wouldn't have remember if my sister hadn't reminded me and if my Timehop hadn't told me how long it had been, now I know some may think oh this is why she is depressed and while that would be a great explanation for it, that isn't it. Here is why because I while I loved my Dad the more I think of how he had treated me when he was alive it wasn't the best and in reality he has hurt me and I couldn't see it when he was dying or when he was alive. He really hurt me in the fact that he basically had allowed my older brother to do what he had done to me. Not sure I ever said who the abuser was but there it is. So yea maybe I have said before but my memory isn't the greatest, but he use to make me go alone with him despite knowing he abused me as a child I guess he thought my brother had change but he hadn't and hasn't its really sad but it is reality. So those who do read this maybe comment how you are or a cool picture or something so I know you are out there. Even let me know what you think of my blog even if its that you think its crap. Thanks for reading this! Sorry my writing is probably crap and I am sure only my friend reads it but that is okay maybe someone in need will stumble on it and see they aren't as alone as they think or thought they were. Anyway I am going to add some pictures with sayings on them on here as well. Thanks for reading this.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |