Let me tell you if I did for me everyone around me wouldn't be happy with me because it wouldn't be what everyone wants from me. I am miserable being here and no one seems to understand that it especially doesn't help when I feel alone and like I am just a support system for everyone else. While some of them are support for me as well it doesn't help me always feeling helpless. I don't even feel like I am helping any of my readers or anything. If I even have readers at this point.
I feel like I do this for nothing as well. Not like I am being heard by anyone. I am just a lonely sad excuse for a person because I don't try to fix or change anything in my life because I expect it to be better on its own what a stupid notion huh. I am just so beside myself on everything. I don't even know who I am anymore is the saddest thing of all. My husband deserves better and I am sure one day if not soon then later he will realize it.
The trust keeps getting broken over something so dumb and I honestly don't know if I should continue to put my all into this relationship. I don't deserve him more less anyone better so if I lost him I am all alone again in this world. I have my mom and ppl but it wouldn't be the same. I am so incredibly exhausted all of the time. I just want to feel normal and happy and just feel like I mean something to someone.
I mean my husband makes me feel like I mean something to him but I still feel so very lonely and I don't know how to function like a normal person and its getting worse with age. I am actually like those crazy chicks you see in movies. who don't trust there boyfriends and husbands and goes off on little things and think they are constantly plotting to leave or cheat. It is such a miserable existence and most sad thing of all is the fact that my husband believes its because of my past drug use which it isn't I mean the drugs didn't help but they didn't change me that much. I was this crazy in past relationships and he would know that if we had waited more then a year to get married.
I am getting tired I drank a energy drink and yet I still feel exhausted. Gotta love depression it just wipes you out. So guess I am going to take a nap and then try to be a person if I can nap. Sorry for venting to all of you if there is even anyone who reads this. Just my life is a fucking mess right now and I just want it to go back to good and for me and my husband to stop sabotaging our relationship as soon as its actually going really good. Hope you all have a good day and are doing better then I. Thanks.