Just wanted to drop in and write a little bit a lot has been going on emotionally for me. I been like on a emotional roller coaster that makes me have a million mixed emotions mainly the fact that I am not doing my part as a wife or daughter or best friend. I just feel like everything with me revolves around having a baby and more that we have to wait for it to happen the more I wrap myself into it. I just want it so badly but I know its not going to happen on its own more then likely and I know that the stress doesn't help one bit. I just can't seem to quit stressing and worrying about everything. Now I have my heart set on moving in 5 to 10 years into a bigger house that will be in my husband and mine's name but still have my mom with us. I just want something with a more then 3 rooms so we can have at least 2 kids. Now I don't work and my husband does so I feel like I am putting on this pressure onto my husband and it feels like its not fair. I offer to get work knowing it could lead to a major mental break down but I willing to take the chance and I tell him this yet it tells me it will be fine. Why can't I believe him?!? One part of me does believe him but the other part of me feels like I am taking advantage of him. I keep telling him if I get pregnant I don't want to work because I want to home schools. The main reason for that is because public school is scarier then ever to me. I know school shootings happened when I was in school but they never seemed so frequently as they are now. I know I am going on about kids I don't have yet but being a mother is something I have wanted since I was a child. I know crazy. I even wanted to be a teen mom but had a problem trying to get pregnant keep thinking it was the guy or it was a sign to wait for a while but now almost being 25 I feel I should have no issues getting pregnant and it not happening has been hard I been crying the last couple of days over it and I use to have times where for a while I would get wrapped up in having a baby but it usually passes and it hasn't passed this time and It makes it emotional hard on me. I just have kinda emotional shut down as far as being emotional towards others. I feel like I have become very self involved because I want a baby. I feel like I am being stupid and a baby because I want a baby. Has anyone ever experienced infertility and how did you maybe deal with it? Especially if you have a mental health issue and your a mom or wanting to be a mom what were and are your worries and do you have any regrets? Did your child inherit any issues from you? I know this is a lot of questions but its things I worry about and I have read some people have regrets because their children inherit some of their issues or have mental health issues and I am just curious if people knew that the outcome would be their child having mental health issues would you still have them or not and if so how would you deal with it or have dealt with it? Thanks to those who read this and are willing to answer these questions because I am very curious. Sorry for my baby fever rant post.
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I went to my counseling appointment and it went great I really like my counselor and she seems understanding and nice. She says I have major depressive disorder and PTSD and possibly bi-polar disorder but my insurance won't cover it so she has to be careful what she diagnoses me with but she says it seems like I have borderline but she doesn't like using that label or any other diagnosis I may have she will just shovel under PTSD which is fine by me. She doesn't want me labeled with Borderline and I don't blame her it's a hard diagnosis to receive but I know I still have it and so it's oh well just anything mental problem but I knew I had it before so yea and had a psychologist diagnosis me of that. I feel excited for my next appointment since it sounds like she wants to help me become productive in life and get my GED and go to nursing school. I been thinking of getting a job again it's terrify since I have a hard time interacting with the public or people but I am pretty excited about being in counseling which is pretty surprising for me let's hope this continues. Thanks to those who read my blog sorry if it's kinda boring but I try to put my experiences out there so if anyone can relate they don't feel so alone. So thank you readers. Will try and write again in a few days or something. Hope everyone is enjoying their day.
I been feeling so nervous all day today because I go back into counseling tomorrow with a new counselor at a new place so it feels really overwhelming to me. But I am sure everyone gets this way about meeting someone new especially since it's a 2 hour appointment. But on a positive note I had a good day with my mom. I dressed up really nice and felt amazing and got told I looked like a anime character which was really nice. But now being home after dinner and doing a load of laundry I am feeling sick and exhausted and just am so unsure about everything. Money makes things even more stressful. My husband and I mainly just argue about money anymore it makes it hard to be in the same room without me usually bringing it up. I don't work so it makes me feel so lazy and it makes me wish that my mental health issues would disappear and I could do what everyone else does it often makes me think that I lean on my mental health issues as a way to get out of things but then again I know it's not. I have so much mixed emotions during one day that it is truly exhausting but when night comes and it's time for bed I can not sleep I become completely awake when I hit the bed and usually paranoid. I don't know if I have mentioned this or not but I am really interested in doing photography and after hearing it has helped others with mental health issues similarly to me it really even more peaks my interest. Has anyone else tried something like photography or something similar and found it helped them with symptoms of their mental health issues let me know in the comments! Thanks for those who read this means a lot don't know what else to say at the moment might write after my appointment tomorrow.
So I just been thinking a lot because my sister who I use to consider to be my best friend has become some one I want nothing to do with! All my life is been me against everyone just about because everyone seems to think that it's my fault when something goes on and my mom is involved all of the people who are in her life and my family think I am always to blame and it has always made me wonder if I wasn't alive if everything would be wonderful and great but I have to always think and know that I don't control my mom or try to! I just feel like my sister has just completely let me down and made me feel like all the time we spent together meant nothing to her! So yea I guess that's it sorry for constantly ranting I go to counseling on Friday so hopefully everything will start to look up since I dropped the drama and those who hurt me beyond repair! Kinda wonder if anyone else had gone thru this and how it made them feel? Let me know! Thanks!
Sorry it's been a minute since my last post but I will try to get more into posting! Also post may trigger! I am just having a crappy life! I feel like I am just drowning and every time I think I am reaching the top for air I get pulled back in by a wave of drama and bull crap! I hate my family with the except of some people! I feel so lost and alone! I have great support but on the other hand I don't because I don't know how to reach out! I just wish for a while things could be happy and good! I am on the edge of tears I been trying to get pregnant for years now and it hasn't happened I don't think it will and then shit to make sure I won't happens! I am at the end of my rope on things and want to cry and scream and jump off a bridge and say screw it but I can't because I don't want to disappoint others! I hate that I feel I have to please others! I just wish there was a miracle pill to make the pain go away of life! I don't know I made it to 24 years I really don't! What I do know is that it's been a up hill battle every day and with each day is a new struggle and a new struggle means more pain more stress and more misery! I have changed my life and tried to make it better but nothing makes it better! I feel like I am running a race I can't win but yet I can't stop running! Where is the light at the end of the tunnel when does the tunnel end! Where is my happy ever after! Yea I have my husband and he is wonderful but he can't make this pain go away and I don't know how much more of this I can take more less handle! I wish this game was over! I wish it would just stop being so hard and painful! Sorry everyone for the pity party! I know life is hard but to constantly have road blocks makes it even harder to navigate this world! My first road block in life was being molested and I know what a weird thing to say but that brought on way more road blocks such as mental illnesses which now I have to live with! Now there is the road block of have Poly Cysic Ovarian Syndrome and having issues conceiving and yea it doesn't sound like a lot but walk and my shoes see how exhausted you are in the end! I just don't know and I know others have it worse then me and stuff but their issues don't make my struggles any less real or any less of a problem! I just hope those who struggling can find strength from me and live a happy full life for me because I don't know how much more of this I can take! Sorry and hope if you read this whole thing you are okay and I haven't depressed you! Have a good night everyone!
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |