So I thought I should come check in and write a little bit about what's going on with me. Well I went to see my counselor on Monday and it didn't go to great I am thinking of switching since she doesn't seem to be helping me. But I am starting to wonder if I don't want the help and am just wait for my life and to just end. I been self harming again too and I just feel extremely depressed and can't seem to kick this feeling. It's like every time you get depressed again it feels like you have never been so depressed before but you really have and you just don't remember it being so bad even though at the time it felt like the deepest of the deep. Well I don't understand how I can't recall it I don't know if anyone is else has this issue but it's weird it's almost like experiencing the extremist depression for the first time every time. I do have times where I have just a little depression and can fight thru and it isn't like I am in such a deep hole that I can't get out of but this depression is like that. It's like your running out of air in this hole and if you put your hands in the wrong place the sorry on the side will come down on top of you and no one will miss you even though that's not true it will subside and you will be back to I don't even know what I am when I am not depressed like this I guess I am either the slightly depressed or I do have some happy days but they aren't like full on happy it's hard to explain. Okay will I can't think of what to write I think I am going to go for now hope you all have a wonderful day and maybe relate to what I am going through always feel free to comment if you would like. Thanks.
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I really am annoyed today my husband he is always asking what I want for everything it's quite annoying to me especially today. I just haven't been in the best of moods. He never wants to leave the house with me which makes me wonder if he is embarrassed to be seen with me. I really just don't understand it or why he can't just say what he wants and how he feels. It's like living with a people pleaser and I am already that way so I don't need him to be that way too. I just feel like we are slowly growing apart and that with each day we lose each other a little more and I lose myself a little more in my mind. My anxiety is bad I can't barely sleep but once I get to sleep it's like I never want to wake up. I am just in such a bad spot it's not even funny. I feel alone and misunderstood. I want to be happy and feel loved and feel like I can be at peace for one day but that isn't happening and I don't see it ever happening. I know I should just learn to deal with it but going thru life like a zombie and never getting out except to buy groceries isn't good. Oh yea I also haven't drank in a long time because we are or were or whatever anyway we want to get pregnant I guess but I needed a drink so drank the other night and was telling him how I really feel about things and it seems the longer we are together the more I want to run the other direction and start over with someone new because I don't want to get close. I have no idea if this is my mental illness showing through or if it is just me and how I am. I just feel like I am on a ship that is sailing a never ending sea with no destination in sight. It makes it hard to know if I should jump off this ship and try to not drown in the choppy sea or stay aboard and hope the captain knows what he is doing. I feel in a very bad predicament because I love my husband very much but he just isn't fulfilling my emotional needs. It really sucks. I guess that's it sorry I keep using this for me to rant but it's a look into how my life is and how mental illness can affect the day to day life. Thanks for reading.
Life really sucks! My mom is talking about moving again like she can't make her mind up. It also sticks we don't have a car to get around in for groceries. It's really actually quite annoying having to rely on someone for stuff like that. My husband works really hard and yet we can't seem to get ahead of things. I have given up on having babies we won't ever be able to afford it. I just wish that I didn't have anxiety and depression like I do so I could help out with the bills. I mainly wish that my mom would get some help for her deep seeded issues. I been going to counseling even though I hate it and don't feel it helps but I do it and she could do the same or at least find some outlet. I don't mean to seem mean or anything toward my mother but it's also I always been the one she had relied on for help along with my siblings so I feel like us moving isn't going to happen because I tried to go move to Tucson Arizona a few years ago and had to come back to help her out. So it's just more annoying then anything. I do love my mom I think she is amazing and strong but I also know is lonely and angry and bitter. I start to feel myself getting bitter and I been told I am quite cold and bitter because I don't like people hugging or touching me. Which in my opinion seems normal for someone who has been through as much as I or my mom or maybe even you have been through or someone you know has been through. I just hope some day soon she finds her happiness and is no longer bitter. I hope I can grow to not be bitter either but it might be quite hard. I also don't think it helps we have secrets like we do that probably weigh a ton on our shoulders. I just hope some day we can find our happy place. So here's to hoping our happy place is discovered soon!
I decided today might be a good day to come write since I am feeling really depressed and hopeless lately. It seems like there is never ending bills and worries in life. I know this is true for everyone is just hard to stay positive when you are constantly under stress for one thing or another. I also got called by my doctor office and they are trying to figure out how where they can send me that my insurance might pay but it honestly seems like we are out of luck on a baby. I also haven't seen my counselor in a while so I have no one to talk to and I know I should be able to talk to my husband but it's hard to. I don't want to bring him down and my depression is getting worse and my anxiety comes and go like always so I just don't know what to do anymore. I been getting a lot of headaches lately to. I also don't get how my husband thinks we can afford a child right now I don't think we can we have to many bills but he wants to act like he can do it all even though he clearly can't. I guess I just feel frustrated sometimes being married is a major headache but I love him but he just don't seem to understand that bills pile up fast and we don't want to be in debt. I guess that's enough complaining for now. Remember your beautiful if you read this and if anyone who reads this ever needs to talk you can comment. Thanks for reading have a good day.
Hey everyone! I know probably seems like I am doing great not so much. Feeling extremely stressed out and it's causing me to get frequent headaches. Our siding on our house is coming off from the stormy weather and my mom is having someone fix it for us but it's going to cost a lot of money and it has me stressed out really bad. I feel like I need to get a job even though it's probably a bad idea but I feel like there is no other way to lessen the burden. I am suppose to be seeing a doctor for fertility help but now I don't think that will happen and I feel so stressed out I want kids but feels like the time will never be right for it. My anxiety is bad but I have found I can hid it along with my depression. Oh yea I had a good friend surprise me yesterday and made me her women crush Wednesday and said some beautiful things. I have known her for a long time and we don't talk much but it's good to know I have support around me. But back to what I was saying because if you read my blog often you will see I do this a lot off track stuff. Anyway I am stressed out and been getting a lot of headaches lately and I don't know why this is happening. I been writing in my journal and stuff to try to lower my stress and depression but it's not helping. I also had to see my brother who was my abuser a few days ago to help my mom with something and it just gets me that he acts like everything is great and we should act like brother and sister. I didn't respond when he tried to talk to me but felt like I needed to get out of there asap. Which I did but I am able to act fine and I did this when I was a teenager and that's when things got dangerous for me because I started to try to end my life because I felt that was best. I know I am feeling this way again but I really can't do anything about it. I feel like I am the center of everyone's stress and it's a shit feeling. I wish there was easier ways to get thru things but there really isn't. I just end up feeling numb and alone and depressed. But anyway yea I guess that's it. Thanks everyone who reads this. Hope your day and life is going better then mine and if not remember it gets better.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |