I want to talk about what I did last night because I think its important that other people know the importance of going out on dates even after being married and that is what I did last night with my amazingly awesome husband we haven't gone on a date in a long time and we went out for dinner and movie last night and while my anxiety was thru the roof at the movie theater it was so much fun. We even did pictures in a photo booth. We plan to do this monthly because its so important to have that time together. I really was happy I went because at first I wasn't sure because I had appointments all week and earlier in the day and have been just feeling super tired especially after going on a unexpected road trip that was originally to go get my sister who I talked about before from her bf's because they were going to call it quits and my mom needed me with her to help her with her GPS and also because it is such a long drive and so I went with her and on the way my sister again last min decides she is going to stay so we had to try and turn around and my mom didn't wanna get back on the freeway so we ended up on a mountain and couldn't get back down off it and so we tried to make the most of it. So I have had a way busy week and I am so beyond exhausted but I think I might have hurt my best friend cuz the day we went on that unexpected road trip I was suppose to see her but had to cancel with her because its been hot and I was so busy this week. I feel so bad now because I think she thinks I cancelled with her to go and do something else. That is so not the case. I really miss this person and we are super close and I would never want to hurt her because she means so much to me but she lives so far and I have no car so I have to rely on my mom to take me around. So this was basically my last few days. Have any of you experienced anything like this with someone cancelling or anything like that? Also have you ever had plans to do a date ever so often with your partner or do you wish you did? Share with me your experiences. Thanks for reading this!
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Hello readers! Sorry its been a while between post lately my depression has taken its toll on me the last few days and I been in a downward swirl but I have good news my medical get reinstated apparently it was never suppose to be cancelled and they don't know why it was to begin with so I am happy about that but I still stand by my last post about medical because there is still my Mom without insurance and that's only cuz she makes 100 something to much to qualify which is such bullshit but I am not here to talk about medical cost this time. I wanted to kinda just let people know whats going on in my crazy hectic life this week so far I have seen my med doctor for mental health meds so he put me on a sleeping pill which doesn't work and zoloft but I haven't been on them long enough to know if it will work. But I also found something out that has made this week difficult for me I found out I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well as my PTSD. Many people may think its like a personality disorder that makes me have different personalities or something its not its more of a emotional disorder or mood disorder if you will. Its really hard for me to accept and main reason is probably because a lot of people with it have had a more success in suicide which I struggle with I have times when I can be doing super well for a few years and slowly I start to slip into this dark place that I can't get out of and no one can pull me out of its really hard and I end up staying there hoping I can get out some how but everyday that passes I realize I can't get out and so it slowly starts to do this terrible thing to me it makes me have terrible outburst and I get to a point of trying to hurt myself in front of who ever and they have to restrain me. I will have these issues for a while and I will eventually take something to try to end it all and I have done this 2 times in my life and I haven't gone that far in a while all though I have tried this year its really hard to get out of that hole. I wonder if any of my readers have experienced this? I also have a self harm problem which I have had since I was a kid and I have tried to stop many times but I always fall back on it mainly to watch it heal and to see if it will scar me not. I guess its just to see how deep a wound must be to scar. I know I probably just made myself sound like a crazy person but not all crazy people are bad! :) My cousin says it can be good to be crazy which he is super funny and hyper so his crazy pays off for sure. I didn't expect to write this much but guess sometimes you have more to say then you think. I also went to group yesterday and it was super hard for me we were learning about PTSD and I never knew there were 2 types of PTSD not sure if those who read this did or not but there is 2 types Simple PTSD which usually will occur doing adulthood from a car accident or something like that or complex PTSD which is what I suffer from and has more symptoms and is usually from childhood trauma. We were reading about it and it just made me want to cry it hit me in way that just got to me. I guess because I had almost all the symptoms but then again it kinda made me feel like I can start to understand myself a little more better I know that must sound funny but the more you know about your disorder the more you can understand why you possibly do the things that you do. Like Maybe a lot of you don't know this but usually mental illness will go hand in hand with substance abuse and I have had substance abuse problems since I was a young teen. I started drinking very young and I tried pot as a teen which did nothing for me but my drinking got worse especially when depressed I almost died from my vomit one time because I drank so much because I couldn't handle my feelings and I never considered till writing that that maybe that was a suicide attempt as well. Its crazy to think that maybe I was trying to kill myself without even realizing it. Do any of you think that is possible? I also have used meth which I used for a year because booze wasn't cutting it no more and I needed something more and it really was such a bad decision but at the time I thought it was the best thing ever it was not after using for a while like maybe a month or two I was using needles that was when I kinda realized it was getting bad so I stopped for a few days and went back to using but decided that doing it that was not working for me I was sad about it then but right now I must say I am happy that it wouldn't work or I don't know where I would be probably strung out. I stopped using in March of this year because it started to make me paranoid and I didn't want to get drug induced schizophrenia not sure if that is what its considered in the medical field but I know there is people who have gotten schizophrenia from their drug use now I don't know these people personally but I have heard of it and I was scared of that happening to me since I got paranoid so quickly so don't ever use drugs if you think you have mental health problems don't self medicate with alcohol or drugs because it won't help your mental state it makes it worse. I got clean March 28, 2014 and I been clean since and just recently I have stopped drinking all together like a few months ago. I don't feel no different from not having those things in my life so know that having them didn't really help either it was only a bandage that needed to be changed because the longer I didn't the more it was getting more infected so its really important to keep ourselves safe because we are more easily influenced to do bad because we want the pain gone. I personally never thought I would use drugs more less meth and guess what I did use and I got addict and it sucked me into a bad place that was worse then my life without it. It was literally a living hell because I seen people in my house who weren't there. Before I always wanted to know what it was like to hallucinate now you might think it might be cool like I did but its not its really scary. So I hope if any of my readers are struggling they will seek help. Thanks for reading this long thing and I think it makes up for the days I missed lol.
I want to write about the medical expenses and how outraged I am that my medical was cancelled thru applecare even though my husband and I are under the limit for a 2 person household. So the biggest thing is that health insurance is so expensive for people to begin with then throw in the fact that the person has a long term illness weather it be cancer or mental health issues or them needing to take a million pills it all gets so very expensive how does anyone afford it?!? Especially without going into debt this world is so much about the bottom line that so many people just go without care its completely sick to me that people who really need medical and can't afford it are getting left in the dust still because even if they pay the regular fee monthly they can't afford there deductible then all the other things they might have to pay for. Now I know some places you can get some meds for only 4 bucks a bottle wow what a steal right umm no because some people are on more then one medication and some aren't covered under that 4 dollars a bottle thing and your stuck either without your meds or paying 90 bucks and up on meds. Its completely insane how much people work there ass off to be without medical my Mom isn't covered thru applecare and she is retired but she is still to young for medicare so she is left without insurance because she can't afford medical with all her other bills. Its really not right that not only are adults left without medical but some older people as well. I heard a story were this elderly couple have to live apart so the wife can get her medical to get her meds that are keeping her alive how sick is that? I mean seriously all because they make to much living together but not enough to afford all her meds. Its completely heartbreaking to me that this poor couple have to live apart because the medical system is so greedy. Why can't we find away to make things more affordable for the lower class and middle class? Instead we focus on the upper class and give them tax breaks and everything else even though they have more then enough money. What is wrong with this world always after the little people it makes no sense whats so ever. I really don't understand it. Does any of my readers have any comments or thoughts on this? I know I can live without my meds I have this long and if need be I will continue to live this way and just deal with my ups and downs and high blood pressure my only concern is if I have diabetes and I need meds to control it. I just am so stressed over all this and its not that I am so much in raged that its happening to me but that fact that they leave my Mom and that elderly couple in a tough spot all because they want money. I really think people should start to find compassion in their hearts and help those they can when they can. I know that I do when I can I will help someone else. More rich people need to step up and help out in this world especially celebrities who do commercials asking everyone else to donate to things they should be donating to. Now maybe they are but I know some probably only do the commercial for their own pockets to be lined with the green. Its so sad because this world shouldn't be all about money but more about love and care and supporting one another when we are in a good spot and can help we should and when we aren't someone who is will usually return the goodness right back to you. We need more people willing to help the little people and stop being so selfish because when you die you don't need that money so put it to use while you can. Hope all my readers have input on this and if you don't agree with me that is fine you have your right to your opinion and I have a right to mine so comment what you think. Thanks for reading this.
So I know its been a few days since I have posted anything new but I been super duper busy is why. But I decided to stop talking to my sister all together because it just is better this way for now. I seen my counselors today and told them about my blog because I am extremely proud of it. I also did my first session of group and I have a list of good coping skills now I just need to start learning to use them in everyday life. I will post some of the coping skills as I learn them and how they have helped me so if any of my readers are interested in learning some new coping skills. I also talked to my best friend today and we haven't seen each other in over a year and I was suppose to see her but I can't because I am so busy with appointments but we talked and it was awesome you never realize how amazing the people around you are until you let your wall down with them and tell them how it really is. Like I have said before I have a great support system in my life and I am not the best at using it but it is really great asset to have and utilize. If you don't have support from those in your life I am always down for talking to people online and if you comment and need someone to talk to I will respond and maybe we can talk over a messenger of some sort because I really wanna met people who know the struggle that those who suffer any mental illness has and I like to empower people and let them know there is still good in this world and beautiful amazing people who you may never met in person but can be great support with their words. I also have decided to post my link to my facebook for my poems so those who wanna check it out they can. A lot of it is dark and maybe triggering so if you are easily triggered please be aware of that you can also search facebook for it by searching Poems Of My Life By: Bridget Glos. So maybe check them out and leave comments if you like or tell you friends about it because I am looking for more people to see my poetry so you should check it out never know might be able to relate I will also put a link to it in the about section. I really hope all my readers are enjoying my blog and if they are comment let me know what your thinking. I been having really good days and I hope you experience great days and that you are able to relate to some of what I say and talk about. If there is anything my readers want me to write about comment and let me know and I will do my very best to write about it or if you have questions about PTSD or anything just ask. I am pretty open to most things. So thanks for reading my blog and I will get that link on here and hopeful you all will go check it out. :)
So I wasn't going to post here today but I am going out of my way to post this because if I don't get this off my chest right now its going to eat at me. So I just basically had to tell my older sister how I felt about her boyfriend now I have never met this guy but I can tell how she talks about him and how he has been toward her I can tell that he is very controlling and I have seen her go thru this before and at some point you have to become numb to other people's stuff and I think I need to do this with her because she is proving she doesn't want my help. Now the title says triggers and I wanna take time to talk about that because this triggered me hearing what sounded like my sister in distress its really upset and it brings out this mean ruthless Bridget that I hate becoming. Now I say becoming because I change when I am triggered and I have found many things can be triggers for me like what someone says or does and it can do a few different things in my experience now yours might be different and would love to hear about yours. Mine are I get closed off, upset which can look like me being pissed or crying. I just feel like I am being put on a emotional roller coaster because of my triggers and I have yet to find a way to control my triggers from upsetting me to such a point. Now I didn't mean to yell at my sister or judge her boyfriend but I am just extremely sick of people and there crap. I feel like I want to be finished with my sister though but I don't know if I can. She has a way of triggering me a lot but she has always been there and you know how it is when you just want to be there for someone because you know even though they say they are fearless the right person can make them fearful. I don't think she realizes this and only reason I do is because I know how it is I have been there and done that with my childhood the right person could always make me feel like a speck of dirt on the ground and I can feel myself wanting to cry while right this because I am triggering myself. I have a self destruct problem and I have noticed I am doing that since finding out about having PCOS its really made me shut down and has made me feel like I can't see a reason for my life but I know there is reasons because of all the wonderful people around me and because of my readers you all give me a purpose to my life by reading my blog. I wanna get off track and say that if it wasn't for my Mom I don't know what or where I would be out of this messed up crazy life. My Mom has been a constant and even when I feel like I shouldn't have been loved she loved me. I also know that she doesn't have to love me just because she is my mother but because she truly genuinely cares and wants only the very best for me. I really hope all my readers have someone like my Mom in there life, someone who has always been there and has shown you they don't have to be there. If you have this tell me about this person and how they have helped you. Thanks for reading my blog and keep reading it please and comment if you want. :)
Hello readers I know I haven't been constant about writing on here but its been super hot and making me not feel to well so its hard to get on here and write and figure out what to say! I am sure your looking at the title and thinking hmm is she going to be funny no only because I am not the best at being funny! But I want to thank those who read my blog or who have just stopped by because I have had 107 page views! I am so happy people are finding my blog which makes me feel awesome and I have had 101 unique viewers not sure what that means but I am guessing it means how many new people have looked at my blog so thank you so much readers! If you like my blog please let friends know and I think I might start a facebook for my blog were I will post every time I put a new entry on here but going to see if I keep getting views! If you like the idea and your not on my personal facebook let me know! I like to hear from readers! So this was the whole reason for the title because I have had so many views and I am so proud of myself I know its something so small to many but to me its huge because your looking at what I have to say and hopefully I will have people commenting and I can meet some new people like me! So new subject I am suppose to see a friend this month who is like a sister to me but my anxiety is so high that I feel sick to my stomach I miss her and its been about a year or more since we seen each other but since it has been such a long time its making me feel not so well! I don't know how to tell her. Do any of you ever feel like that? If so telling me what you did or how you get when your anxiety gets bad it doesn't have to be this kinda situation it can be any kind of situation. I also am suppose to see my older sister who lives with her boyfriend who I have never met before so that is stirring in my head as well even though its next month. I just have high anxiety lately which really sucks and I wish I knew of better ways to deal with it all. Maybe you can tell me how you deal with it or at least how you work around it so it doesn't run your life? Because I am pretty much a hermit its really sad I have a cell phone and yet I hardly text anyone and I don't talk on the phone unless I have to its really hard for me to interact with people unless its on a computer by using a messenger or by text because I feel like if people hear my voice they might be able to tell that I am not okay or happy like I try to put on its really hard lots of days like I am sure it is for so many. Sorry for the length on this just wanted to let you guys and gals know what I am going through in my life and hopefully you will feel you can tell me about what your experiences are and how you have handled with them. I really appreciate all of you! Means so much you read this even if its just once I am happy you stopped by! Thanks! :D I wanted to post this picture here this is from July 3rd so since then I have had a good amount of views.
Hello sorry I haven't wrote anything in a few days. I been busy and super exhausted lately. Not sleeping well at night but happy 4th of July everyone! Hope you are all having a good safe weekend. I know I will be! My father in law is over visiting and staying the night! We are going to be bbq-ing yay! Who doesn't like a good bbq am I right? Will anyway my father in law is over and today my husband had to tell him the news about us not probably being able to have kids without expensive hormone treatment or adopting which is a lot of money and his Dad said that was fine as long as we are happy! Which was a huge relief to hear! But I plan on having a super awesome day and I hope everyone else does too! I also want to say yesterday I had a e-mail telling me I have had 47 views since starting my blog so thank you everyone who has checked out my blog so far and thank you to those who will stick it out with me as I slowly get the hang of this! I hope everyone enjoys there 4th of July and are considerate of there neighbors and those around them when letting off there fireworks! Also if you have pets be sure to have there collars on and make sure if you know they don't like fireworks put them on a leash when taking them outside because so many pets get lost and hurt during our celebrations so please be aware of that too and look out for lost pets and just try to be safe everyone! Happy 4th readers!
So I didn't post yesterday because it was super hot and I really didn't feel to great as did a lot of people but today I am going to blog about night terrors/nightmares. Reason for me blogging about this today is because I just had one early this morning and a lot of people with PTSD get nightmares or night terrors that usually have to do with there trauma my rarely do instead I have night terrors about being kidnapped or people having guns and shooting at me or other people its usually being at the wrong place at the wrong time. This mornings tho takes the cake on my night terrors seriously because it felt super real. Do you ever experience your nightmares/night terrors as if they are happening? Will if you don't your pretty lucky but I am pretty sure everyone does at some point but I do quite a bit. If you have ever experienced something like this where it felt super real go ahead and tell me about it if you want. Because like I said before I am looking for liked mined people who experience similar events to me. Okay so this morning I am sleeping and don't realize I am because I am a wake and in this nightmare and it feels real so I don't even think about trying to remind myself I will wake up and be fine to me its I have to get away from these bad men and find help so that these 2 girls who are in the van with me can get helped as well. I keep trying to escape and every time I try they catch me again. It was really scary and I know people say its because of the movies you watch will I didn't watch nothing to this effect. So all I know is it really scared me so much so when I woke up it took me a minute to remember where I was. This happens a lot when I have nightmares that I can remember I wake up confused but it usually goes away pretty quickly but sometimes I will wake up and think I am still in the nightmare even though it didn't take place in my house I sometimes think someone put me back in my bed because I passed out and I can sometimes be paranoid and not be able to sleep and nothing can calm me usually expect my husband or mom or having someone in the room because when I get paranoid its pretty bad and pretty sad as well. But I am just curious if any of my readers have nightmares that feel real and experience what I just describe? Will that's all for today hope your enjoy my blog so far and let me know how I am doing. Thank you!
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |