I don't even know to even start. My life is a constant disaster is a understatement. I feel so stressed out that I could honestly end it all. My husband is working so hard just to pay off debt I accumulated when I was working. I always thought I would pay it back then my mental health got really bad and I couldn't deal with people or a job and I feel apart and it was a fight to survive so I then thought I would get social security before there became a real issue with my bills but I guess not. I am still waiting to get to see a judge which should be this year and hopefully the judge decides in my favor. I really wish I wasn't this way and was normal. I wish that every single day I use to pray when I believed in God which I now don't to much bad stuff happened to me and I would pray it would stop and it didn't and wouldn't. I feel like I am a horrible person because I feel constantly on edge because of the anxiety and I am always depressed I can't even enjoy small things like time with my husband I feel as if I am falling back into a place that was so dark and ugly that it had consumed me for years it never fully left me and yet it is coming back with a vengeance. I sometimes feel like I am broken beyond repair and soon all my relationships will fall apart and I will be alone. Sometimes I wonder if that would be best. Would I really be fine being all alone? I wonder that often but do you think I am able to do that no. I have to have people with me always. I know this is off topic but have you seen Caitlyn Jenner? She is seriously so beautiful and strong and I wish I had her guts to be my true self. I know I have talked off and on about wanting to be a guy but being confused and while I feel confused on it I feel more and more like I want to be a man and just life my life out that way. I am just scared to say yes this is who I am and people need to deal with it. I guess time brings strength and when time comes I will be able to do that. I am off what I was talking about sorry I get sidetracked easily with a lot of stuff going through my mind. I couple more things on that subject of me wanting to be a guy. I sometimes wonder if its because I want to escape being who I am right now because of all the horrible stuff that has happened to me. I don't know if it is or not if people who feel they want to escape feel they need to go to such lengths to escape their past selves or not. Have any of you wanted to ever escape who you are and to what length did you want to do it? Okay done with that subject for right now. I would love if people who can relate comment. I would love to hear from my readers or followers. If anyone of you ever needs someone to talk to I am more then willing to talk to you. I know some people don't have the support like I do in my life and I would love to be that support for you. I feel bad because my best friends wedding is coming up and I am so scared of embarrassing her by being anti social and weird at her wedding. I know she loves me no matter what she is like my sister and I honestly love her so much she has been by my side through so much. I am really lucky to have her in my life with all the other people who stick by me. I forgot to mention my mom went to the doctor on Friday and we got not great news. My mom isn't as healthy as she thought. She is having to get a lot of stuff checked out. She has been having issues with her legs and they think she might have problems with her veins or blood cloths or both. She goes in to the doctor this week about getting testing done to have her neck checked because her veins might be closing. So there is a lot of stress that comes with that. Right now really isn't the time to be trying to get pregnant and I sadly need to face that because with bills and money getting tight and my mom having medical problems and a lot of medical appointments and my husband seems to be pulling away and my best friends wedding coming up there is just way to much going on right now. Tomorrow I go see my doctor to tell him I have decided to wait and I don't know how long the wait will be it maybe forever because I am slowly losing my sanity with my anxiety how high its been isn't good and I find myself pushing people away and maybe my body is telling me I am not meant to be a mom because I mental can't handle it. I want to believe I can do it and in reality I probably can but this is how I need to see it so I can quite obsessing about it and let it go for right now and wait for a better time to come and then try. Its really not ideal but you know sometimes its better to put stuff off maybe I will have a surprise if I quite obsessing about it and just wait for a better time. I really just need there to be less stress for a little while because I have to much going on in my life and a baby just wouldn't be a great idea as I want to believe and as much as my husband wants a baby right now and 3 at that I think it may have to wait till we are both older maybe when I am 30 even though I didn't want to be having my first at that age we do what we have to do in life even if it is something we don't wish to have to wait for. I just have to believe my time will come and I will be happy I waited I hope. Sorry I seem like I come her to complain I just need to vent and maybe you all can relate to what I am going through in my life. I really hope you can and I just don't seem like a whiny bitch and if I do will I guess I am a whiny bitch. Which sometimes I guess I am because I don't know when to shut the hell up. I just wish things were different in my life but I am just going to end this by saying I am thankful for all my readers and those who come back to follow my blog and for my family and friends who are so support of me no matter what and love me through all of the bull crap. Hope you all enjoy this post if not I am sorry and thanks for reading and have a great day or night. I am hoping my day gets better soon.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |