I actually have something to write about that is not exactly about myself. It has to do with me but not directly I guess. My mom has been going to a lot of appointments lately and has always had really high blood pressure and they have given her pills in the past to try and lower it and she is super stubborn. While today she had a appointment and they did a ultrasound on her neck and her veins or whatever are starting to close. I honestly feel like I am losing one of my best friends. My mom and I haven't always had the best relationship but in recent years we have formed a super strong bond. I want to cry, scream and just say screw you universe but I am trying to not let all of this get to me. I am really concerned I might not have years with her. She is suppose to get surgery on her neck she has to wait for surgeons to call her to find out when. I have tried to prepare myself since my dad passed for this day to come but I have to say nothing can prepare you to lose your mother or best friend. It doesn't even have to be a bio parent just someone you are close to. I really can't bare to think how I will react I know it hit me hard when I lost my dad and I never really dealt with it or grieved and with things they are going right now I am so scared not only will I lose my mom but I will lose all connect to my family. I don't talk to my siblings or other family so she is my only bio family that I am close to. It really is taking everything in me not to cry as I write this. I always hoped my mom would be here to see me have children and now I don't think that will happen and I just want to cry. Especially since we can't speed up trying to get pregnant. I wish I could turn back the clock and let me be her first born so I could have the most time with her. The rest of her kids really don't care about her or whats going on with her so none of them will even be able to understand the pain I am going through and she is still alive. I just don't know what I will do without my mom. I have never lost someone who was a constant in my life who I seen everyday I didn't even see my dad all the time and sometimes I forget he is gone. I have a friend on Facebook who lost her mom and I see how much pain she is in years later so I really can't imagine how bad it will be for me. I imagine I will dissociate because of how close I am to her. I know my husband will be a great support but he works all the time and I hardly see him now so without my mom I will be alone a lot and I don't think that will be good because all I will be thinking of is joining her. I know all I can do is enjoy my time with her that I have and just try to cherish all this time and love her and let her know how much she means to me but right now all I can think about is losing her and never seeing her again. I wish that life was different and I could change things and have a baby now so she could be apart of their life but I really don't see that happening. Have any of you gone through this? I am sure you have but how did you deal with it? Especially with having mental health issues it makes me scared I will take it harder then other people. Thanks everyone who reads and chose to respond. I really could use knowing I have readers out there and your support or words of encouragement would be great thank you all in advance. I don't believe in God but my mom does so if you could say a prayer for her to be okay that would be great. Thank you all. I really hope she makes it through all this and I have many more years with her because she is just a amazingly strong beautiful soul and this world will be a sad place without her beautiful soul.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |