I just want to be normal and okay and enjoy my life with my husband but this anxiety and punishing myself for things I can't change is just no good and its draining on me and I would imagine him even if he says its not. I mean to have someone constantly insecure and worried about stuff that you give them no reason to worry about has to be draining. I know it drains me. I just don't know why I am constantly thinking about the past. I mean most people get to move on and I get to stay in the past and relive everything. Every mistake, every bad decision and every time I hurt someone. I know I probably deserve to relive it but some of it I don't think I do like the abuse I went through. I also think of all the mistakes that maybe made it where I made it easier for those bad things to happen to me. I don't know how to stop the thoughts or be okay. I was doing so good and was feeling so good and then I get hit by what feels like a freight train of sadness that is unbearable and with the anxiety its almost to much because you want to not give a crap and yet you do. I don't know I am probably rambling by now. I just need a break from this world and life to just find myself and be okay. I don't know if I need to get back to counseling or not but I am a mess lately and I am just so tired and have headaches everyday. I just want happiness. I been getting up early not sleeping to much and not stay up late. Getting out and getting dress, putting on make-up, smiling and taking selfies to feel better yet I come back to this exhausted mess that is me. I am just ready to be okay.
I know we are all searching for inner peace and I hope someday we will all find it and be okay. I know we just want to be understood and be comforted and not judged and hopefully someday that will happen to. Till then we have to find those we are like us and those who maybe suffer the same as we do. I know its so hard to find others and its so easier to feel we are alone but we are not and we are worthy of love and we are worth so much. We are all beautiful and warriors and we will rise even after we fall we will continue to brush off the dirt and rise stronger and braver then before. I know its hard to believe when we are down but its the truth. Our time will come and we have to keep our heads held high and even if we have days it feels heavy we have to try to keep it up because we are worth it and we deserve to be confident and to walk with confidence our problems don't define us.
Will be back again soon to write another post hopefully I will be feeling better. You all stay beautiful and strong and remember you can always comment to me or email me and I will message back as soon as I can thanks for reading this.
YOU MATTER ALWAYS!!!!