Hey everyone! How is your week going? I hope well, I know I have been struggling with everything lately. My anxiety and depression are in full force along with me being anger and irritable. I just am not doing well. I keep replaying what has been said to me by my sister I don't talk to. Her and her boyfriend said my husband deserves better then me and should really leave me. They feel bad for him because he is with me. I just keep thinking about that and my husband keeps telling me that he loves me and that what they are saying doesn't matter and while I know that it still is bugging me. I just feel like I have hit a point in life where I just feel like I have truly lost hope in everything. I haven't been trying to watch what I eat or anything and its just a I don't care attitude I have and its really the worse attitude I can have. I know I should think positive and have hope and believe it will get better but it really gets hard and tiring watching the world go on without you. I feel like I am standing still and it really is taking its toll on me and my mind. I been trying to stay busy with going and doing yard work or laundry, the usual stuff you do to take your mind off things but its not helping me one bit. I just hate this feeling I know it won't last forever because it never does but its so hard to look forward when the past keeps haunting me. I use to think I lived without regret but there is so much I wish I could go back and change because I do regret it. I feel like if I did somethings different my life would be different then it is right now. I know that is probably not true but it feels like it. I mean it feels like once your walls start caving in you are trapped in that darkness with no where to go and no glimpse of light you even start to forget what the bright side looked like. Its really hard to look forward when it feels like your mind won't let you leave the past in the past. I know that maybe right now isn't the time for me to really have motivation to lose weight and I may never be there and I remember being okay with my weight when I was even bigger so why can't I love myself now? I also know that maybe right now isn't my time to have a baby either but I am losing hope on have a baby at all. I feel so lost and alone even though I am not alone it can get so lonely and I am just lonely in my own head constantly. I feel like I am so use to chaos that when it is chaotic I am so much better then when life is boring and calm and while that sounds crazy just remember you're reading the blog of a crazy women. I just hope I can break out of this soon before its to late and I decide that my burden of me being a live is to much. I really want to be hope for people but I need you all to know you will have bad days but you will also have good days which is why I say I know it won't be forever this way. I feel like it will but in reality it won't be. I have been here so many times in the short time I have been alive that I just know that it won't be here forever. I just want to go back to okay days, the days don't have to be the wonderful I am awesome days just okay days where I am just okay I am not really happy and I am not really sad but I just am. They aren't my favorite days but they are better then these days where I don't want to get out of bed or I feel sick with a headache everyday because I am barely sleeping. Did I mention that nightmares are also super common with me when I am like this so that is super awesome as well. I feel like I embarrass my mom she had talked to someone we use to work with and she asked about me and my mom had to explain my mental illness to this lady and I just feel like she felt she wishes she could at least say one of her kids are normal and okay and not plagued with mental illness. Anyway those who read this you are special and amazing and I appreciate you all. I know you probably hate I mainly post the bad days but I know there is good day post on here too. I will do better to post those days too so you can see both sides of the coin. Have a great rest of your week and I hope you enjoy your weekend.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |