Hi everyone I know I was doing really good for a while there and then I hadn't wrote anything for a while! I have been under extreme amounts of stress and anxiety. I can't even be in a car and feel okay I feel like I am constantly waiting to die. So I am constantly tense which just makes me really badly irritable. I feel bad because my mom has been talking more then normal and I seem to snap at her a lot and I can't even stop it. I feel constantly under pressure to give my husband a baby. He wants 3 kids and I don't think I will even be able to give him one which makes me wonder if I should have waited to get married and not talked about kids and pretended I wanted none but I didn't know then that I couldn't get pregnant I mean I suspected it but didn't know for sure. It makes me feel horrible if it never happens we been trying everything and soon the last resort will be doing the whole fertility thing which I don't want to do because it cost so much. I am also trying to lose weight which is stressful I eat less and am more active then I was but I don't know if it's enough. I wish I could have a treadmill in my home I would use that thing every day. My husband works his butt off and we are constantly broke which makes me feel bad because makes sure each check he can give me a little money for stuff I may want or need and right now I been saving it for a dress for my best friends wedding. At first the money was for me to take my mom's to a restaurant that's by the water where we live and now that has to wait but after I have the money for my dress which I just about have. I will be saving again to do that for her and after that saving again for her birthday so she can do something special since she will be celebrating a big birthday this year I want her to enjoy herself and try to have some good memories of life. I love my mom a whole lot but she doesn't live life and I wish she would because she isn't getting any younger and she deserves to live a little before it's to late. I also feel bad because my husband doesn't live either and he didn't before he met me. He doesn't see friends or family. He did see his dad a lot before working and his dad moving to a State over but now he calls his family once a week and talks to his best friend when he can. I feel bad he says he is happy but I don't know how he could be happy just working all the time and only seeing me and my mom all the time. I honestly sometimes feel like their lives are this way because of me. Like maybe they feel bad that I am at home and only see my best friend sometime. I had "friends" a ton of them when I was using but now I don't talk to really any of those people from that time. I have a few who have gotten clean on my Facebook and stuff but we aren't like buddies who talk which is the case with most of my Facebook friends. Yet to me they are still friends I just don't talk to much or at all. I guess I live a very lonely life like my mom did only difference is she had kids and a crap husband and I have a wonderful husband and no kids. My life is very similar to hers we both had crap childhoods, hardly any friends, crap dad's and a very lonely adult life plus we both didn't finish high school because of home life. She always would tell me to not follow in her food steps and yet I am almost step for step. Except my mom never used hardcore drugs she was a drinker which I had my times of drinking like a fish and almost dying so I have a lot of close calls of dying but yet here I sit. I know obviously something wants me here and I think it's that my husband needs me more then I like to realize. I know if he read that he would tell me finally you see it. Which is what he usually says or says he wins when I agree with what he has been saying forever. I truly love him and he loves me he is really amazing to me I feel lucky to have him in my life which is why I want to give him a child so badly because he is awesome. I also want my mom to be a grandmother who can have her grandkids around. She deserves it as much as my husband deserves it. Will I guess I stop going on. Hope you all have a totally awesome day I know I am going to try!
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |