He of course says I am not but I feel I am. I just feel guilty and sad constantly for a month or so now and it just is so very lonely in my own mind. It makes me believe things about myself which aren't true but feel like it is. I also been feeling suicidal as well and I just been pretending to be happy only person to see through it has been my husband. Only time mom or sister realize it is when I look sad. Which I try to not do because I don't want anyone to worry but I am slowly not seeing a point in my presence on this Earth I mean we all have purpose here right?!? My rational mind knows I have purpose but the irrational mind says I have nothing to offer and I am just always a miserable person who doesn't have anything to offer the world. I don't know I wish I felt more like I am worth something rather then like I am making everyone miserable and sad because I am miserable and sad. I just want to be happy and feel like a person.
I want to know my purpose. I am still struggling with the fact I can't have kids it hurts me more deeply then I wish to let anyone know. I know I am here for something other then being a mom but when you have always dreamed of the day you get to bring home that little one from the hospital and getting called Mom and having your soul mate be called Dad. It seems like the very best thing in the world but I know it will never happen and I feel so bad for my husband he would be a wonderful Dad and my mom wants me to have kids so badly she keeps talking about it and it makes it a little harder to accept the fact it won't happen so I feel like a let down in that fact as well. I just feel guilty about everything. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just want to feel important or like I make a difference for other people but it truly feels I make everyone sad and miserable. Anyway thanks for continuing to read my blog if you do. If you are new thanks. Have a good day and just remember we are worth more then we sometimes feel. Hopefully I get out of this sad misery and be happy and can write some happy stuff.