Yesterday I came and I wrote kinda about what was going on with me and I am going to so that again because I realized why I been having a hard time with things and it's because the holidays are right around the corner and I am missing my dad who passed away in 2011 so the holidays are always hard for me. I don't know if I have talked about my relationship with my dad before or not but to say the least it wasn't a very good one. So why do I miss him you might ask. While for one he is my dad and for two even though he was crappy to me most of the time I like to focus on when he wasn't which is very few times. I just wish my life was different and my relationships with certain people like my brothers and sisters and of course my dad were different. I of course can't do that because others are unwilling on their ends to do their parts. I just really miss my dad is all and death is something that I fear but at the same time crave because I am crazy if you haven't noticed yet. Some might wonder how someone can fear something but crave it at the same time especially something like death will most people fear death because of the unknown or the final ness of death. I fear it for the unknown of if my pain will stop when my heart and brain stops. I don't know the answer because I have never died before or met someone who has. I also guess I miss my dad because my mom is aging and I fear for when she is gone because she is the only family I am close to. Once she is gone I don't have others who would be there for me in my family I have great friends that would be and my husband but not blood family which makes me sad that if my mom was gone I would feel more lost then I do right now in life. I know I have talked about my mom before and how great she is but I feel the need to say it again because she is really great and she just loves me despite all the headache and she doesn't have to love me which is something I have grown to realize is that our parents don't have to love us they chose to like other people chose to love us whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife or friend they make the choice to have you in their lives and to love you no matter what. I have some amazing friends like that. One who I have known since middle school and this chick has had my back and I have had hers throw all we have been thru we are even closer and we have lost contact a few times but always came together again like nothing happened. She is probably the only person on this planet who can actually say she knows what I am going thru or she understands or that she even knows me better then I know myself and I can actually believe her. I don't think anyone will ever have me as figured out as she does. I really couldn't imagine life without her. I use to watch movies and there would be these people who had these lifelong girlfriends and I would always wish I had that till it dawned on me that I did have that. I was one of the lucky few to have a friend who has been there by my side even when I messed up. She is a very kick ass person. I can only hope my readers have someone like her in their lives. Sorry for being all over the place in this post. I will probably be making more entries since I gotta new phone and it lets me do my post right from it so I can post more without the hassle of getting on the computer. Will that is it for now thanks for reading my craziness. :)
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |