I know its been a while since I last came and wrote anything its because I been busy. I was taking class through something called ADAPT to try and fix myself but I am just not able to be fixed. I am in the worst spot I have ever been in with my depression. I want to cry constantly and I just want to give up living. I am paranoid that my husband is going to leave and that no one cares. I don't leave the house but to take him to and from work because of his narcolepsy. I know I am to much for everyone around me including those who don't know me. I just want to be better and feel better but I keep just feeling worse and worse about everything. I feel super alone and like I can't keep going on like this. Life is just really bad and I don't know if I want to keep trying to make it work. I mean I feel like I am being lied to and that my feelings don't matter but I guess I brought that on myself. I just am undeserving in this life. It all just doesn't matter anymore. I am thinking of going to the hospital but I honestly feel like I can't because my mom needs me. I mean my husband can take himself and I just might start making him take himself to work so I don't have to anymore because I just feel so done with it all. I just can't be me and I don't want to be me and in the end life will never be how I wanted. I am not having kids and I feel like I might as well take care of my mom till she passes and then just be done with it all because what is the point in life whats the point in trying when everything keeps getting fucked up for you and the one person who you thought loved you in a special way doesn't. How many other girls did he call the same names he calls me? I don't even want to think about it. Its more then the stuff with him though. Its my mind constantly fucking me over and basically telling me I am a worthless pile of shit and the words that were said as I grew up are echoed that I didn't have feelings, I don't matter, I am a liar, I am a whore, I will never amount to anything and no one will ever love me. Will I believe each and everyone of those words because they ring true. I am a constant mess with a mess of a mind. I haven't drank for a while and guess what I want to drown in a bottle of vodka, rum and anything else I can get my hands on but I can't because I make bad decisions when I drink will guess what I make bad decisions even when I don't drink. I also recently realized I am not good at anything in life. I am mediocre when it comes to everything in this world and who the hell wants to be mediocre in life. I just don't know how long I will stick around to see how life plays out. I want to use so badly lately too. I just am in such a low spot that I just don't care who I hurt because guess what everyone else will hurt you given the chance and they won't be sorry because they feel like its okay and that because you are the weak one you won't do anything but just take it. Will guess what I won't and I don't have to and I don't deserve the misery but then again I do deserve it because I brought it upon myself. I also bring it on myself. I am just a nothing. A body without a soul. I just wanted happiness but all I got was shit constant shit with no reward when I do good. I can spend all my life trying to make my life better but guess what it won't happen. This is my reality most days. I am know I shouldn't share this but it needs to be seen that shit is shit even if I try to make it butterflies. I am so destroyed I can't allow people to love me even if they do. I could never believe it because to me its all just beautiful lies sealed with a smile or a kiss. I am done. This world is fucked up and so am I. Nothing can be fixed or made better. Shit was so much better before in the 50's will look at the world now and how its progressing into being worse and worse. Things can wear a disguise that its better but its not. Just like the mentally ill can wear a mask and pretend but guess what you are always going to be ill. You can pretend you aren't your illness but you are we all are. We maybe better for a second but guess what that will soon disappear and we are back in that ugly dark spot that consumes you. We can act like it will get better but guess what it won't it will never be better and we will never be cured. This world is the most cruelest it has ever been but it really hasn't all the ugly is coming to light rather then being hidden. I won't hide anymore either my dark needs to come out. Me being so fucked up needs to be seen. I am not well and I never will be. I can try all I want to learn the skills to make it better but no skill can cure it so what is the point there isn't one there is no point anymore not anymore. I just might have to go to the hospital and I hope that if anyone feels this way they do go this is not a place to stay in and wait its not good its scary and deadly and I know that even in this state been here enough to know that but I just don't know if I care enough about myself anymore.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |