Some of what I talk about may trigger you so if your easily triggered I would advise not reading thank you. I feel like I am falling apart into a million little pieces lately. My emotions are all over the place and last night I had a nightmare about my abuser and it was so real like we were actually in the same room. I couldn't tell if I was actually sleeping or not it felt so real and everyone there seemed so real to. I know for a fact that what happened in that nightmare has never taken place in reality but it has been unnerving me all day long. The scariest thing is that he called my mom today which he calls her every now and again but it was so weird that he would call her today. I really know it shouldn't be but it was. Any way I feel so weird. He basically was trying to get me to follow him and I wouldn't I went to stand by my mom after he made a dirty remark. He then had my niece follow him and I knew it couldn't be good. Anyway I feel like it was my fault he took her and this wasn't even real. I feel as though I am losing my mind. It felt so real yet it wasn't and it was set in present time which is how I know it couldn't have happened a lot of my childhood I don't remember and if it was a dream and we were kids then I wouldn't know if it had taken place or not but this was a right now type of dream. I also know it won't become reality because I don't talk to either of them. I think its all the stress I am under right now. I have question for all of you. Okay so this is what I am doing from now on when I have a question for you readers. I am going to post a poll maybe then I will have people more willing to answer. I hope so let me know what you think of this idea either by answering the question with the poll or in the comments because comments are always welcome. So back to what I was talk about will actually before we get back to that I thought I had lost this post when I was making the poll and I nearly freaked out thankfully weebly is awesome and saved my draft for me. So anyway I feel super bad about this dream and I don't know why. I been having a lot of intrusive thoughts lately which I know is part of PTSD but I have been good about blocking this crap but apparently it wants to be remembered. When I was a teenager I had my sister who I was talking about being a witch in my last post basically give me to a guy so he could pretty much rape me. I will say it was some what my fault for it happening and to this day I blame myself but she went to shower and I was young and stupid and when I told her she didn't even care to make matters worse she tried to pawn me off on another guy she was dating as well. I really don't understand how I can have love for someone who has terrorized me in my life. She has been abusive to me in many ways yet I still love her because she is my sister. Anyway the thoughts about that guy and what he did to me has been a big issue to its been coming in my mind at random times making me scared and feeling like I am reliving what he did to me. This guy was married to. I haven't told many people this story so I am kinda surprised I am telling all the world. I just need it off my chest mainly. I have been raped and molested a lot in my short life and I feel embarrassed admitting it and I shouldn't because I am not the person who made that choice to do that to me. I know I haven't been the best sister to my sister who I referred to but she is 20 years older then me. I have said really hateful mean things to her and others but it was only after they said or did crappy things to me. I am not saying that as a excuse for my actions but I think that was just what I grew up around when someone was shitty to you and said something mean to you then you were mean back. I remember being super suicidal and she told me to kill myself and she knew I would that it wasn't a joke but she didn't care and didn't think of what could have come with her saying that. The thing that bugs me the most is that people who have been crappy to me have children and didn't love their children and it makes me sad because if I was given such a wonderful gift I would do anything to protect it and love it. I have a hard time understanding how horrible people get to be parents and I am having to work extra hard for it. I hear so much sad stuff involving kids in the news and it makes me question why those people had children to begin with if they couldn't take care of them or didn't know how to love another human. I sometimes question if I can love someone. I love my husband but even I question if I really do. I guess I am in a really dark place and trying to crawl out isn't working. I once wrote in my diary that I feel like I am in a hole and I try to climb out but the walls keep caving in and pushing me farther down. I have been in darker deeper holes before and gotten out eventually but I always wonder when it will all cave in and I won't be able to get out at all. I live in a world of fear day in and day out and I feel so embarrassed by it because I want to contribute to society. Growing up I had great ambitions but with all that happened to me it slowly started to go away and I couldn't even finish school. Last grade I finished was 8th because my home life got to much that I couldn't handle school or people especially not guys. I have points in my life and days where I am terrified of men. I am scared they will hurt me. I can be standing in line at the grocery store and get so scared of the person behind me and if I have a male cashier sometimes even female I will hold my head down and not make eye contact. I feel so rude afterward but I am also in a different mindset at that moment in my life. I have been just beaten to a point where some days I can't function. It makes me sad writing this and knowing that I actually experience this stuff. I want to cry because I don't want to believe that I have days like this when it happens I always try to brush it off as if it was nothing and that its normal to experience that. I just hope some day I can be carefree and happy and feel loved and just be alive without the fear and anxiety. I know I maybe just having wishful thinking but its a wonderful thought. With that I am closing this post out. Thanks for reading. Sorry for so much info on me and I just feel I should share with you all because I have a hard time sharing other wise writing is my easiest way to get my voice heard. Thanks again.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |