Last time I wrote on here I was talking about my best friend and how I was scared of losing her. Will I have realized that if we are true friends which we are then I didn't mess up anything. So I am really thankful for that. Now change of subject I am back on medication and I am on a generic Zoloft and I have been on it before but I don't remember how it affected me and I know I just started it but I feel more depressed, more irritable and way more anxious. I really don't like it and am really starting to believe I have bipolar disorder 2. Since going to that appointment and being told that I have been struggling with being mentally ill. It never really bugged me or I didn't really think of it before I guess. While now I been and I actually was so upset yesterday and my husband could tell and he asked if he could do anything for me after a sweet speech he gave me and I asked him to make me normal and he said he would try his best and I totally lost it. I know the reality is I will never be normal and that I can never be like the rest of the world. I also know if he could he would take away my pain. Sometimes I feel like having a name to what I got through makes it harder to swallow even if it is something that other people go through. I feel just tired which I think makes it even more harder. I also feel like the world is constantly judging me because I am not like them. I know my diagnosis is not who I am but sometimes it consumes me to the point where I feel like it is me and that there is no difference between me and my diagnosis. I hate when they ask if you think you have whatever they are saying you have. I always say I don't know even if I suspect I do because I just live with it on the daily I don't really know if I do have it or not I am not a doctor. I do wish that I could just wake up and find out that its all been a bad nightmare and that was what I told my counselor this last time I seen her. She told me unfortunately its not a nightmare and I was waiting for her to tell me that my issues where treatable. She didn't and good thing she didn't because I hate when they say that. Something that is treatable is something you have a possibly of being rid of it mental illnesses aren't something that go in remission. We can't recover from it either so saying we are in recovery isn't the right word either because someone in recovery is able to go back to a somewhat regular life without the drugs or whatever. MY counselor instead said its manageable with the right tools and medication. Which I will take manageable as a way of describing it but even that doesn't seem right because sometimes medication and all that doesn't work and its still not managed. I really don't know what the right word would be but most words don't work because we just don't ever seem to be 100% better and normal. Sorry if I offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings this is just my opinion and how I feel. I know its a journey we are all on and we are all on different paths of managing and what not. I know that word isn't right but I can't think of another word and maybe it is the right word I don't know who I am I to say anyway. We all have different opinions and have different things that work for us. I think we all need to find our voices in the mental health community and try to get people to understand us rather then labeling us as crazy. Just like drug addicts a lot of them are hurting and dealing with mental illness but there isn't enough resources out there for the mentally ill. Most people live their whole lives not knowing they are suffering from a mental illness. Had I not had a sister diagnosed as mentally ill I probably wouldn't know because for me its so normal. I know some people develop it early or later in life and mine started early and I think when you have lived with it so long or you first start having it you figure its normal or you'r new normal which shouldn't be happening. I still question if I just make this all up in my head and I made myself this way, maybe I am normal is something that crosses my mind quite a bit but I am not normal. Its just a hard pill to swallow. Sorry if all my post are always one big thing of words jumbled together. If it bugs anyone let me know and I will start making spaces if that makes it easier to read. This is just easy for me to read. Thanks for reading and sorry for all my craziness and stuff I put up here. I am just always every where which I hope some of you can relate. Have a good day and try to enjoy your good days. Savor the moments that are awesome when they happen so you have something to fall on when you have a bad day.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |