I really am annoyed today my husband he is always asking what I want for everything it's quite annoying to me especially today. I just haven't been in the best of moods. He never wants to leave the house with me which makes me wonder if he is embarrassed to be seen with me. I really just don't understand it or why he can't just say what he wants and how he feels. It's like living with a people pleaser and I am already that way so I don't need him to be that way too. I just feel like we are slowly growing apart and that with each day we lose each other a little more and I lose myself a little more in my mind. My anxiety is bad I can't barely sleep but once I get to sleep it's like I never want to wake up. I am just in such a bad spot it's not even funny. I feel alone and misunderstood. I want to be happy and feel loved and feel like I can be at peace for one day but that isn't happening and I don't see it ever happening. I know I should just learn to deal with it but going thru life like a zombie and never getting out except to buy groceries isn't good. Oh yea I also haven't drank in a long time because we are or were or whatever anyway we want to get pregnant I guess but I needed a drink so drank the other night and was telling him how I really feel about things and it seems the longer we are together the more I want to run the other direction and start over with someone new because I don't want to get close. I have no idea if this is my mental illness showing through or if it is just me and how I am. I just feel like I am on a ship that is sailing a never ending sea with no destination in sight. It makes it hard to know if I should jump off this ship and try to not drown in the choppy sea or stay aboard and hope the captain knows what he is doing. I feel in a very bad predicament because I love my husband very much but he just isn't fulfilling my emotional needs. It really sucks. I guess that's it sorry I keep using this for me to rant but it's a look into how my life is and how mental illness can affect the day to day life. Thanks for reading.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |