Hello readers! Sorry its been a while between post lately my depression has taken its toll on me the last few days and I been in a downward swirl but I have good news my medical get reinstated apparently it was never suppose to be cancelled and they don't know why it was to begin with so I am happy about that but I still stand by my last post about medical because there is still my Mom without insurance and that's only cuz she makes 100 something to much to qualify which is such bullshit but I am not here to talk about medical cost this time. I wanted to kinda just let people know whats going on in my crazy hectic life this week so far I have seen my med doctor for mental health meds so he put me on a sleeping pill which doesn't work and zoloft but I haven't been on them long enough to know if it will work. But I also found something out that has made this week difficult for me I found out I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well as my PTSD. Many people may think its like a personality disorder that makes me have different personalities or something its not its more of a emotional disorder or mood disorder if you will. Its really hard for me to accept and main reason is probably because a lot of people with it have had a more success in suicide which I struggle with I have times when I can be doing super well for a few years and slowly I start to slip into this dark place that I can't get out of and no one can pull me out of its really hard and I end up staying there hoping I can get out some how but everyday that passes I realize I can't get out and so it slowly starts to do this terrible thing to me it makes me have terrible outburst and I get to a point of trying to hurt myself in front of who ever and they have to restrain me. I will have these issues for a while and I will eventually take something to try to end it all and I have done this 2 times in my life and I haven't gone that far in a while all though I have tried this year its really hard to get out of that hole. I wonder if any of my readers have experienced this? I also have a self harm problem which I have had since I was a kid and I have tried to stop many times but I always fall back on it mainly to watch it heal and to see if it will scar me not. I guess its just to see how deep a wound must be to scar. I know I probably just made myself sound like a crazy person but not all crazy people are bad! :) My cousin says it can be good to be crazy which he is super funny and hyper so his crazy pays off for sure. I didn't expect to write this much but guess sometimes you have more to say then you think. I also went to group yesterday and it was super hard for me we were learning about PTSD and I never knew there were 2 types of PTSD not sure if those who read this did or not but there is 2 types Simple PTSD which usually will occur doing adulthood from a car accident or something like that or complex PTSD which is what I suffer from and has more symptoms and is usually from childhood trauma. We were reading about it and it just made me want to cry it hit me in way that just got to me. I guess because I had almost all the symptoms but then again it kinda made me feel like I can start to understand myself a little more better I know that must sound funny but the more you know about your disorder the more you can understand why you possibly do the things that you do. Like Maybe a lot of you don't know this but usually mental illness will go hand in hand with substance abuse and I have had substance abuse problems since I was a young teen. I started drinking very young and I tried pot as a teen which did nothing for me but my drinking got worse especially when depressed I almost died from my vomit one time because I drank so much because I couldn't handle my feelings and I never considered till writing that that maybe that was a suicide attempt as well. Its crazy to think that maybe I was trying to kill myself without even realizing it. Do any of you think that is possible? I also have used meth which I used for a year because booze wasn't cutting it no more and I needed something more and it really was such a bad decision but at the time I thought it was the best thing ever it was not after using for a while like maybe a month or two I was using needles that was when I kinda realized it was getting bad so I stopped for a few days and went back to using but decided that doing it that was not working for me I was sad about it then but right now I must say I am happy that it wouldn't work or I don't know where I would be probably strung out. I stopped using in March of this year because it started to make me paranoid and I didn't want to get drug induced schizophrenia not sure if that is what its considered in the medical field but I know there is people who have gotten schizophrenia from their drug use now I don't know these people personally but I have heard of it and I was scared of that happening to me since I got paranoid so quickly so don't ever use drugs if you think you have mental health problems don't self medicate with alcohol or drugs because it won't help your mental state it makes it worse. I got clean March 28, 2014 and I been clean since and just recently I have stopped drinking all together like a few months ago. I don't feel no different from not having those things in my life so know that having them didn't really help either it was only a bandage that needed to be changed because the longer I didn't the more it was getting more infected so its really important to keep ourselves safe because we are more easily influenced to do bad because we want the pain gone. I personally never thought I would use drugs more less meth and guess what I did use and I got addict and it sucked me into a bad place that was worse then my life without it. It was literally a living hell because I seen people in my house who weren't there. Before I always wanted to know what it was like to hallucinate now you might think it might be cool like I did but its not its really scary. So I hope if any of my readers are struggling they will seek help. Thanks for reading this long thing and I think it makes up for the days I missed lol.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |