So today has been crap that has turned into total whatever is worse then crap. I totally messed up but before that I woke up having major anxiety which just seems to never leave me anymore. While then I find out my best friend is having a hard time by her fiance and so I called to check on her and he asked me not to disclose he asked me to call so I didn't even though I knew she had to have known and I lied to her. I feel so bad if it was something worse I would have told her but I feel like I am going to lose her trust and soon I won't even have her as my friend. I feel like the worst person who ever lived. I want to cry because I messed up. I feel so mad at myself and I wish I could change it which of course I can't like with so much other stuff maybe I am exactly what I say I am not and maybe I am fake and deserve to have no friends or anyone else. I feel like I have messed up and I can't ever fix it. I mean we are adults and this is worse then when your younger and tell little lies. I completely ruined everything. I thought I could make it where her fiance would be happy and so would she. I really care about her she is the best friend I have ever have and we have been through so much but I am starting to feel like I am the worst thing for her and her life. She deserves to have better friends then me. I don't know how I am going to be able to get over hurting her because I know it had to hurt really bad no matter how small the lie and I can't take it back. Right now I just want to end it all and the more my depression and anxiety manifest and shit goes wrong the more I am feeling this life isn't for me. I am done for right now and I don't know if I will make it through the night and it's not her fault it's mine and just everything in this life and I feel like a lonely person with to many secrets and I can't hold on to anything anymore I just want to let go of my life and just be free of everything.
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |