emotions be everywhere. I am having nightmares when I get some sleep but they seem so real and today I woke up sobbing from the nightmare I had just had.
I am really struggling with everything lately I went about a month or so feeling really super angry about everything and everyone till I smoked some Cannibas and then
I was fine as in calm but my head still sometimes finds a way to spin out of control. I am feeling really lost, alone and confused as to why this keeps happening to
me. Then again could be my own fault and I am causing all of this. I really don't know anymore and I am having a lot of scary thoughts about harming myself lately
I feel like everyone around me hates me and all those other terrible thoughts we end up thinking when in the darkest place we can be. I wish it would all stop
and go away. I know probably all of you wish the very same that these thoughts and emotions would just disappear. I really wish it was that simple. I feel like I need
to get back in counsling at the very least and possibly check into a hospital for a few days but sad thing is. I can't afford to do so. I have health insurnace which
isn't the issue its the co-pays and stuff we can't afford and I am pretty sure my insurance doesn't cover much in the way of mental health services.
Sometimes having all these issues is more then I can bare with. Its really a lot to handle and I feel like I am cracking under pressure and soon I am going to really
fall apart. I
kinda did yesterday evening but I honestly feel like the nightmare was just next level on me falling to pieces. I know that I will be fine again I always am for a
while at least but I am tired of the back and forth and not getting enough feel good days out of it. I feel like I made a deal with someone in exchange for something
else I felt was more important and now I am stuck with this. I just feel really crazy right now in my head and everything. I am hoping by putting this out on paper of
sorts it will help ease some of the burden I am feeling from myself. I wonder if you all ever feel that yourself is a burden on yourself not your family or anyone but
yourself? Do you ever feel annoyed or frustrated by yourself? I do all the time I get sick of myself and my complaining and the fact that I can't work and that I don't
have coping skills or social skills. I just want to feel okay in my day to day life. I just want to feel free instead of trapped in a cage with no door. I want to let
all the bad stuff go and let the good stuff floraish. I want to remember the good and not so much the bad that seems to only remain. I want to feel like I can be okay
that I can have control over my emotions and I use the right emotion at the right time instead of only use a few of them. I want to be like everyone else a productive
member of society. I want to have friends and hang out and go on walks with them and have bbqs in the summer. I just want what most people have I don't know why its
to much to ask. Only thing I have that most people have or maybe its few is true love with my one. Not many find their one but I have and maybe that was the trade I
made but if so then why make him suffer through all of this and anyone else who knows me. After all they did nothing wrong. They shouldn't be punished because of me
or have to put up with me and my emotional craziness.I just don't know anymore. Sorry if all I do is come here to complain. I just feel like maybe someone will relate
and write a commment back or something. I just wish that we could all find our happy place and feel accepted dispite the hand we were dealt in life. Happy St. Pattie's
day readers. Hope your doing better then I and be back soon to write more crap.