So I wanted to come and write today because of course everything in my life is just not going right. of course that's nothing new my mom has an appointment today and I was supposed to go with her but she started complaining about my husband because he's always tired. He works all the time so its understandable he is tired and he doesn't sleep very well at night I tried to explain that to her and she decided I wasn't going to her appointment with her. She has seemed very anxious lately and I start to see myself and her. Which makes me wonder if I have kids will my kids be like me which is a complete basket case constantly. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. I love my mom very much and I've written about her and I've written great things about her because I think she's a great person and I know she's very strong but as of lately I've started to notice that strong woman starting to go away and I've noticed that in myself to. I feel almost like crying while I write this mainly because my mom is a wonderful lady but I have started to notice she lets her past get to her. I don't think she loves herself but I also don't think she knows how to I guess I am the same as her in that way. My mom and I have always had a relationship where it's always super good or it's super bad there's no in between and usually I'm the reason it's not good which I take full responsibility for I just wish that there was a way I could just let my mom know what I think and feel about her. I have a hard time putting things into words when the person that I want to tell something to the words don't come out right but I have been able to tell counselors how great I think my mom is but I can't tell her that. I guess it's always been easier to tell other people how I feel about somebody or to write it down I'm not very good with my feelings and neither is my mom and I slowly start to notice that me and her are so much alike except I don't have kids. But what I fear is that if I do have kids they will turn out just like hers and I don't want that. I know I'm probably repeating the same things again and again just phrasing it differently my husband recently told me that I asked the same question again and again like a little kid like I'm a broken record and ask them if I'm annoying he said yeah I can be. I feel guilty for how I am I feel guilty because I can't function like a normal human being and most days I even want to even try because I know the end result will always be the same I can't even cry most of the time even though I know it will help so I just feel constantly a bunch of pressure from the stress, the anxiety, the depression all of it it makes me mad makes me irritable it makes me wonder why I keep trying. Days like today make me wish I could just make myself disappear and erased my existence from everybody's mind so that when I'm gone nobody has to be sad, nobody has to miss me and best of all I would have never hurt a single soul. I really can't write anymore this is honest and raw as you're going to ever see from me and my writing this is what my depression looks like. This is what my anxiety starts to look like I want to die but I'm also scared to I'm scared of what's on the other side. So I'm going to leave this like this and hope you all can have a great day thanks for reading my blog. Bridget
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June 2018
CategoriesAuthorI am Bridget I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed |